Pulling for Truth vs. Experiencing the Truth

As I was mulling over my recent learnings regarding pulling on people for approval and connection, I started reminiscing on scenes of how I have done this. As I recalled these scenes, I began to squirm inside and listen to the voice of judgment and shame. I quieted these voices with the voice of Spirit telling me "Pulling was a way to survive the feeling of inadequacy and aloneness/loneliness - the result of childhood abuse. While it saved your life then, it is not needed now and through my Grace you are open to learning to heal and restore your wholeness."  

Through reminiscing, I noticed, from childhood to the present, "pulling" as a survival skill. As I reflect on examples of how I pull today, I recall times looking for reassurance from others that I was a good therapist or engaging others in conversations to fill the emptiness I was feeling inside.  I saw these behaviors as ways to fill my needs of worth and connection.  Previous therapists had helped me see that these needs were a result of childhood conditioning and the unchangeable residue of mental, intellectual, emotional and spiritual abuse.  As I reflected on these scenes and on my unconscious beliefs that this is just the way I am, I realized that I never believed I could be another way.  I believed all I could do was try hard to fight against the childhood beliefs that I was dumb and that I would be alone and lonely.  In my endeavors, I would do well, even excel, and then automatically look outside myself for the validation that I did, in fact, do well.  And validation and affirmations did often come.

Some of the ways I pulled for validation included simple non-verbal behaviors, such as looking and waiting for someone to say, "I really liked what you had to say."  I would often wait for others to be interested in me, or try to think of something to say that would interest them or impress them. I would ask them questions about themselves, not really from a place of interest, but rather from a need to connect.  When I was disappointed that someone was not willing to grant a request, I would oh so subtly respond grieved, and the other would then respond guiltily. 

After Inner Bonding, I now have become conscious of my own inside feeling of when I am pulling.  It really is a squirmy yucky sensation gnawing at me to become conscious of manipulating for something.  Yuck, Yuck, it really screams, "busted."  I now more and more become interested in myself and go to my loving Adult and Spirit to meet these needs.  It's paradoxical that the more I look to my loving Adult and Spirit to care for my feelings and needs, the more others and myself genuinely connect and share. 

Until doing Inner Bonding I would not have thought I was "pulling."  I would have said I needed to be seen.  Regardless, though, of how often I received validation and pseudo connection, I was still left experiencing inside inadequacy and inside aloneness and loneliness.  I never questioned whether this be healed or even thought that it needed healing.  As I look back, I just believed this is the way everyone felt if they had endured mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. 

As I typed that, I am saddened that anyone has to feel that, but excited and awestruck that there is another inside feeling.  There is an inside feeling of genuine satisfaction, connection and of feeling empowered at who I am.  And this is available to each of us as we heal all feelings that do not validate the core of who we are meant to be. 

As I recall present day scenes of wanting to speak my truth and hesitating for fear it would not be accepted, or if I spoke it, looking for validation outside of myself, I feel the pull it must have felt to others.  Margaret said something to me at our last breakfast together at the Austin workshop where I assisted her.  She said "Pattye, the more you are inside yourself with the truth of yourself as a healer, the larger your practice will grow.  When you are looking for the truth of that outside yourself, it comes across as insecurity and who would choose a therapist who feels insecure in herself as a therapist?"  As I typed that I realize I was not insecure as to being a healer - I knew I was a healer.  I intuitively knew that and would often experience it, yet I continually looked to others to affirm and validate that, as if their saying it made it real.  I did not realize the emptiness I experienced on the inside about my own worth and my own essence.  Because of that, I pulled from others to get filled.  I was filled for 20 seconds and then I was "unconsciously" looking for more.  It is amazing and freeing to become conscious of one's "unconscious" intent behind behaviors. 

From unconscious to conscious, I allowed myself to non-judgmentally observe how I pulled. As Margaret often says, you don't have to worry (another form of control) about stopping first, just notice how and when you do it.  As I became conscious of this behavior, first I squirmed with embarrassment, then I let go of that, telling myself I had very good reasons for its development. After lightening up and laughing at all the clever ways I learned to pull for validation and connection, I chose to stop.  I did not want others to feel responsible for this job - how heavy and burdensome that must feel to another.  And I wanted to love my little Pattye.  She wants my love, approval and validation, not that of others.  The more I am doing this, the more excited I am about life and the joy of seeing myself manifest.  It is not all healed and restored. I still have moments when my wounded adult tries to terrify little Pattye into believing she is not capable or chosen by God tomanifest and that she will be alone.  But my loving Adult more quickly appears and asks Jesus what is God's truth about little Pattye, and what is the loving action needed in the moment.  The truth is shared and the action is taken.  It is a beautiful and loving place to feel capable in who you are and what you have to manifest.

Thank you Margaret and the IB companions I have met along my journey.