When we were little, one of the major things we all needed from our parents or caregivers was their compassion for our painful feelings – especially our loneliness, helplessness, grief, and heartbreak. Yet few of us received this comfort and understanding.

I didn’t. I don’t recall a single time when either of my parents showed any compassion for whatever pain I was in – physical or emotional. I remember many times when I was very young – maybe three or four – sobbing because my mother had screamed at me for something. Usually, she would just walk away, shaking her head in judgment, or yelling at me some more as she left me alone.

No Role Models for Compassion

Having no role models for bringing compassion to myself, I kept trying, in my adult relationships, to get others to show me the compassion I needed. I tried so many ways – crying, pleading, getting angry, being depressed, giving myself up, being ‘nice’ – but nothing ever worked. I constantly ended up feeling alone and victimized by my pain. I couldn’t understand it. I was often compassionate with others, so why weren’t they compassionate with me?

It took many years of my personal Inner Bonding practice to come to the acceptance that it wasn’t anyone else’s job to give me the compassion that I needed. It was my job. Not that I don’t love it when someone is compassionate with me – I do. But I no longer count on it or pull for it in all my previously controlling ways – unless I’m very tired. It’s easy to fall back into old patterns when I’m very tired.

Nor do I give it to others with the expectation that they will give it to me – which I used to do. I give it to others when I know that it is loving – not caretaking – to do so.

The Pull for Compassion

I notice that in much of my work with others, there is often a huge pull for compassion. Couples try to get it from each other. Individuals try to get it from me. And every way they try to get it is self-abandoning.

Learning to bring compassion to your hurting inner child is a vital part of your healing. When your heart is open to learning, the energy of compassion naturally comes in from spirit. When your intent is to love yourself, including when you feel lonely, helpless, or heartbroken, then you can give yourself the compassion you need.

I do this in a number of ways. When I’m very sad and I need to cry, I either hold my little girl in bed, or go for a walk in a secluded place. I need to be able to cry without disturbing anyone else. As I’m crying, I’m bringing through the compassion with my hands on my heart, letting my little girl know that she is not alone with the loneliness, helplessness, or heartbreak. I’m here and my guidance is here. Sometimes I write on my computer, asking my guidance for help in comforting myself.

I cry until I feel that the feelings have moved through me and have been released. This generally doesn’t take very long.

No Longer A Victim of Pain

The main thing that helps me release the feelings is being in full acceptance that no one else is going to do this for me. I used to get very stuck in my pain when I was focused on getting someone else to be compassionate toward me. In fact, being in pain was a major way I would pull for compassion, hoping someone would care enough about me to hold me, listen, and understand.

Now I hold me. I listen. I understand. If someone does show up to join me in being compassionate with my little girl, great! But I no longer focus on this. I no longer wait for it.

It is wonderful to be free of needing someone else to give me what I am fully equipped to give myself!

Learn to connect with your spiritual guidance with Unlocking Your Inner Wisdom, A 30-Day at-home Experience with Dr. Margaret Paul.