Self-judgment seems to be fairly universal, as I’ve seen in my work with clients from all over the world. As we were growing up, most of us learned to judge ourselves due to a number of different experiences:

• If parents, teachers, siblings, religious leaders, or others in authority judged us, we might have absorbed these judgments, and they became programmed into our ego wounded self.
   
• If we experienced our parents or other caregivers judging themselves, we might have absorbed this role modeling into our wounded self.
   
• If we were abused by authority figures, we might have absorbed their shame and self-judgments.
   
• If we were rejected in various ways, or not loved in the way we needed to be loved, we might have learned to judge ourselves as a way to avoid the deeper painful feelings of heartbreak and loneliness, and as a way to protect against feelings of helplessness. Our reasoning may have been that if only we could get ourselves to change through self-judgment, we could have control over getting the love we needed and avoiding the pain we could not handle.

The Vicious Circle of Self-Judgment

Many people who are on a learning path realize that they are judging themselves, and that their self-judgments are causing them to feel anxious, depressed, empty, alone, and angry. They realize they need to stop, but because they are so accustomed to trying to control themselves with their self-judgments, they may judge themselves for judging themselves!

The part of us who judges is our wounded self, and then it judges itself for judging. Our loving adult never judges, because our loving adult is connected with our source of unconditional love and acceptance. Judging yourself, and then judging yourself for judging yourself, is a stuck place. You cannot heal your wounded self with anything less than the kindness and compassion that comes through you from your guidance when your intent is to learn about loving yourself.

Judging your wounded self as a way to get your wounded self to stop judging presents a contradiction. As long as you continue to try to control your wounded self through self-judgment, you are stuck.

The key here is being aware of your intent. Is your intent to control your wounded self in an attempt to get rid of the judgments that are causing your pain? Or is your intent to heal the wounded part of you who did the best you could to get you through the pain of childhood?

Compassion for Your Wounded Self

You will find that when you shift your intent to learning about loving yourself, then instead of judging your wounded self for judging itself, you will move into a compassionate intent to learn about the experiences and beliefs that led to the self-judgments. We always have good reasons for our behavior – which are the fears and beliefs that we absorbed as children due to the unloving experiences we had.

When I became willing to give up control over how others felt about me, I was able to notice my self-judgment with kindness and curiosity, rather than judging myself for judging myself. I was able to notice that most of my self-judgments came from a small child part of me who could not manage the heartbreak of my childhood and learned to be very harsh with myself to get myself to do things ‘right’ - operating from the false belief that this would result in the love I needed. Sometimes it did result in some approval, which I mistook for love.

It was only when my anxiety over rejection became overwhelmingly intense that I knew I had to do something differently. I finally had to come face to face with the truth – I had no control over how people felt about me. As hard as this was for me to face, it freed me from trying to control others through my self-judgments.

It was the beginning of experiencing emotional freedom!

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."