"The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them. They don't remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are." --Jim Henson, 1936-1990, Creator of The Muppets

I've often said that half of good parenting is being there for your children, and the other half is being there for yourself. What would you have given as you were growing up to have had parents who role-modeled taking loving care of their feelings, their health, their finances, their environment? What would you have given to have had joyful, healthy parents who showed you how to manage their conflicts in loving ways, who were fulfilled in their work, relationships, friendships, and parenting? What might your life be like today if your parents were role models for taking personal responsibility in all areas of their lives?

Becoming happy, healthy role models is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our families…

I've read many parenting books over the years that offer wonderful suggestions regarding how to lovingly parent children. Yet, in order to really implement most of the suggestions, parents need to also be focused on loving themselves, rather than only focusing on their children. And how many parents ARE focused on what is loving to themselves, rather than on controlling their children?

The problem with most parenting books is they don't deal with intent. I remember years ago taking a class in Parent Effectiveness Training. It was a terrific class, except that it never mentioned intent. So, when I tried to implement the suggestions, my children ended up feeling manipulated by my 'I messages.' And they were right. At that time, I didn't understand the difference between the intent to learn to take loving care of myself, and the intent to control them, so my 'I messages' were just another way of trying to control them.

I see this over and over with different parenting techniques.

Children are very sensitive to intent, so when a parent's intent is to control the child, it doesn't matter how correct the technique, it will backfire.

What this means is that in order to be a truly loving parent, you need to be operating in connection with your higher guidance, so that you know what is loving to both you and them. Without connection with your guidance, you will be operating from your programmed wounded self and may continue to do what you learned to do as you were growing up, or go the other way and do the opposite in an effort to not parent as you were parented. If your parents were authoritarian, then you might also be authoritarian, or you might be permissive to try not to do what they did. But neither is loving to yourself or to your children.

It was only when I shifted my focus away from trying so hard to be a loving parent to my children, and began to be a loving parent to myself, that I truly became a loving parent to my children. I wish I had known Inner Bonding when they were little, but it's never too late to become a loving role model for your children.

There are many wonderful programs available to help us be better parents and better communicators in all our relationships, but without understanding intent, they can easily become just another way to manipulate. Any system, including Inner Bonding, can be used to control, when that is the intent. Being aware of choosing the intent to learn is the key for all systems to work.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."