"I don't understand why bad things keep happening to me," Randy said in our phone session. "It's just been one thing after another."

I had been working with Randy for just a few weeks, and he seemed to understand Inner Bonding. But I wasn't sure he was actually practicing it.

"Randy, what are you feeling right now?"

"Anxious. I'm always anxious."

"Are you willing to take responsibility for what you are telling yourself that is causing your anxiety?"

"Yes…at least I think I am."

"Ask your little boy what you are telling him right now or what you are doing that is making him anxious."

"I think I'm always telling him that he is never good enough, that he hasn't accomplished enough, that he isn't conscious enough, that he will never get this. It seems to me that this is background noise for me - that I'm always telling him things like this."

"Why?"

Randy thinks for a moment. "I'm not sure. I think it has something to do with being okay only when I accomplish things. There are always things that need to get done."

"So is your worth tied up in getting things done, in accomplishing things?"

"Yes."

"And you believe that you need to judge yourself to get yourself to get things done?"

"Yes, I think that is exactly what is happening."

"So, according to your wounded self, you have no intrinsic worth - your worth and identity is in your accomplishments?”

"I don't know anything about my intrinsic worth. How do I know about that?"

Discovering Your Intrinsic Worth

I had Randy connect with his source of spiritual guidance, which he had opened to in a previous session. He called his guidance "Luke."

"Randy, ask Luke to show you what he sees when he looks at you as a little boy - who you really are."

"I was a sweet and happy little boy, kind and caring with others."

"Is there anything wrong with this little boy - anything about him that isn't okay, isn't lovable?"

"No, he's wonderful."

"This is your essence, who you really are - your intrinsic worth. And this little boy is letting you know by being anxious that you are not seeing him and that you are treating him unlovingly - abandoning him - with all your self-judgments. As long as you are judging yourself and creating your ongoing anxiety, you are keeping your frequency too low to manifest what you want. In fact, you are drawing to you what you don't want, since like attracts like."

"So judging myself and defining myself by what I accomplish rather than by my intrinsic worth is keeping me anxious and in a low frequency, which is drawing other low-frequency things to me?"

"Yes. Of course, sometimes bad things just happen because that's life. But the kinds of bad things that are happening for you may be related to your low frequency coming from your self-judgment. Why not practice becoming more aware of your addiction to self-judgment as a form of control and consciously change your thinking to kindness toward yourself and see what happens?"

"As I'm thinking about this, I realize it's not just me that I judge. I judge everyone. It's ongoing in my head - either judging myself or judging others. I think I really am addicted to judgment."

Self-Judgment is a Form of Control

"What do you think the judgment is protecting you from feeling?"

"Oh, now that you ask, I know exactly what it's protecting me from - from the loneliness I've always felt and the helplessness over the pain of my childhood. I think I've always preferred the anxiety to the loneliness and heartbreak of my childhood."

"Are you ready to feel these deeper feelings now that you are an adult? Are you ready to bring in your loving guidance to help you finally feel these feelings so that you don't need to use judgment to avoid them?"

"Yes, I'm more than ready!"

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions, and Relationships."