In my Inner Bonding work with myself and others, I am constantly discovering ways that the wounded self attempts to mask as the loving adult.

For example, in one of my Inner Bonding Intensives, Leyla was feeling stuck. I could feel that she was in a low frequency, stuck in the intent to control but of unaware of this. 

"What do you think your intent is right now?" I asked her.

"I'm open to learning."

Leyla believed she was open to learning, when in reality her wounded self was trying to have control over appearing open to learning and at the same time trying to have control over the learning.

"Leyla, please tune in to what you are feeling right now."

"Anxious."

"What are you telling yourself that is causing you to feel anxious right now?"

"That I have to get this."

"So you are putting pressure on yourself to learn and trying to have control over learning, rather than actually being open to learning?"

Her eyes opened wide. "Oh my God, that's right! I think I do this all the time! Wow, I just got a big sense of relief."

"That's because you just really opened, rather than being in your wounded self, trying to appear open and trying to control what you learn."

The wounded self in all of us is very tricky…

The moment we feel great because we have actually let go of control and are connecting with ourselves and our guidance, we want control over it, so the wounded self comes in to try to get control over feeling great, and we lose the great feeling.

When we discover that loving ourselves and others brings us much joy, we want control over feeling great, so the wounded self comes in to try to have control over being loving. And, of course, the moment we try to control loving, we are no longer loving!

I see over and over that when we feel really great, or we are really open and in surrender to spirit, or we are really taking loving care of ourselves and sharing our love with others, we may unconsciously shift our intent to control this, and the wounded self is then activated to try to have control over feeling great, or being in surrender, or being loving - and then, of course, we lose the joy of it.

Control can be such a subtle thing...

In the intensive, Leyla learned just how subtle it can be. She had been practicing Inner Bonding for a couple of years and could not figure out why she kept getting stuck.

You might want to notice that when you go from doing well and feeling great to feeling badly, it might be because you unconsciously shifted your intent from loving to controlling, and your wounded self came in to try to have control over doing well and feeling great. The wounded self wants to "figure it all out," which takes you out of your present experience and puts you in your mind. The moment you do this, you are no longer connected with yourself and your guidance, and you lose the great feeling.

Our wounded self cannot stand that the only way to feel great is to choose love for the sake of love, rather than to control anything. The wounded self thinks that controlling our safety is its the job and it doesn’t want to accept that, while it might be successful in controlling things like money or approval, it cannot control happiness and joy. Happiness and joy are the results of loving for the sake of loving, with no agenda in mind, no attachment to outcomes. The wounded self hates that it cannot bottle this and have control over it, so it constantly tries to manage it. It also tries to convince us that we are open when we are controlling, and that we are loving for the sake of loving when we are "loving" as a means of control.

Our wounded self is indeed very tricky!

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."