How often have you had an interaction with someone - a partner, relative, friend, co-worker, employer, employee, or a professional - that didn't feel good, and only after the fact you thought about what you wish you would have said? How often have you tried to go back to the person and say what you wished you would have said, only to discover that the other person has no idea what you are talking about, or denies saying what you remember he or she said, or defends, or attacks and blames you for the issue?

All this can be avoided by learning to trust your feelings in the moment and deciding ahead of time how you want to respond to controlling, abusive comments. Since most of us have not fully developed the neural pathways in our brain for on-the-spot loving responses, this takes practice.

Try On New Responses

Below are some of the responses that I have received from my own guidance or from reading books about speaking up for oneself. Most of the time it is appropriate to lovingly disengage from the interaction after speaking up for yourself – i.e., to disengage without anger to take care of yourself, rather than to withdraw to punish the other person. Then, do an Inner Bonding process to see if you have taken anything personally and to comfort the lonely and helpless feelings that often follow from another's emotionally or verbally abusive controlling behavior.

• "This feels hurtful to me so I’m taking a time out. Let’s try again in half an hour."
• "This feels abusive so I’m going for a walk. I’ll check back in when I get back to see if we can stay open with each other."
• "Let's chill out for a bit."
• "Your (anger, blame, irritation, impatience, criticism, discounting, and so on) is getting on my last nerve, so I’m going to do some Inner Bonding. Please let me know when we can talk about this with caring and respect."

You get the idea. Your voice is firm but not blaming or attacking. The intent is not meant to control the other person, but to take care of yourself by speaking up for yourself and then disengaging from the conflict. It is essential that after making a statement like this you disengage from the interaction, unless the other person actually stops and, in some way, acknowledges his or her controlling behavior and opens to learning and caring. 

Taking Responsibility for Yourself Works

If you are truly taking care of yourself, you will not harbor any resentment toward the other person. Generally, we are upset with the other person only when we have not taken loving care of ourselves. When you take responsibility for yourself, you are able to keep your heart open, so that when you do re-engage with the other person, you are able to be kind rather than shut down or resentful. 

Practice Practice!

It takes a lot of practice to be present enough to speak up for yourself when someone is behaving in a way that doesn't feel good to you. It takes time to trust your own feelings instead of having to analyze yourself or the other person. It takes practice to trust that if it doesn't feel good, it isn't good for you. It takes practice to remember that you cannot make the other person stop or change – that you have no control over their intent.

If you don't remember to speak up the first 1000 times you try, don't give up! If you have been used to trying to get someone to stop their overt or covert abusive controlling behavior with your explanations, questions, defenses, or compliance, or with your own abusive attacks back, it is often very challenging to break these patterns. Instead of giving up or judging yourself for not being able to do it, keep at it. Eventually, with enough inner work, you will be able to remember to speak up and take loving care of yourself.

Heal your relationship with Margaret’s relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.