"I'm really stuck," said Liana at a 5-Day Intensive. "I can't figure it out. I have no problems taking the loving action for my kids and at work. I’m really responsible with everything and everyone except for me. I can't seem to take loving action for me. I can't stop eating junk. I can't get myself to bed early enough to get enough sleep. I can't get myself to exercise. I do a great job of nurturing my inner little girl in a lot of ways on the inner level, but not on the outer level. I know that my adult is strong enough to take these actions, but I don't take them, and I don’t know why."

I asked Liana to go inside and ask her little girl who she wanted to take these actions for her. After a few minutes of silence, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I want a father to do it." 

Wanting a Father to Care…

Liana had grown up without an attentive father. Her father had abandoned the family when she was an infant, and her stepfather had been mostly physically absent and emotionally withdrawn. She kept trying to get her husband to give her the attention that she never received from a father, but he was withdrawn as well.

"Tell me more about wanting a father."

As the tears fell, Liana's little girl spoke from her heartbreak. "I want a father who cares enough about me to make sure that I eat well, and that I get to bed on time, and that I do whatever I need to do to be healthy. "

"So, it sounds like you don't feel that you have an inner father that cares about you, is that right?"

Liana's eyes lit up. "That's exactly right! I have a great inner father in the world. I earn very good money, I'm on time, I take care of bills. But when it comes to me, I've never realized that my little girl needs a father! I just thought she needed a mother. My relationship with my mother was so bad that I just assumed that I needed to mother myself. It never occurred to me that I needed to father myself. I can do that! I can be the concerned and caring father that my little girl needs and set limits on what she eats and make sure she exercises and gets enough sleep. Oh, I feel so relieved! This is what has been missing!”

We All Need Both an Inner Mother and an Inner Father

Our loving adult needs to be both in order for us to feel loved. The inner mother is our upper right-brain nurturer and learner. The inner mother tunes into our feelings, moving into the intent to learn, exploring our beliefs, and dialoguing with our guidance - Steps 1 through 4 of Inner Bonding. Once we discover the loving action, the inner father – in our upper left brain - takes over, taking the loving action in the world. We can nurture and learn all day, but without the inner father taking the loving action in Step 5, the first four steps get us nowhere.

Many people on a growth path get stuck on Step 5 - taking the loving action. Without the loving adult father part of us that takes action for us in the world, we may stay stuck in many ways, such as not earning enough money, not cleaning up our space, being late all the time, eating poorly and not exercising, not reaching out to friends, not creating balance in life, and so on.

We develop our inner father by asking our guidance to show us and tell us what it looks like to be a loving father, and asking our guidance to bring through the strength to take the loving action. With practice, you can become a loving father to yourself even if you never had one.