A member of our Inner Bonding Village emailed me asking for:

"…an article on Inner Bonding and working with employees, setting limits, yet not criticizing and blaming. I have not been able to get my mind around how that works. I am assuming the principles are the same, but I would love some examples."

While the situations are different, Inner Bonding in the workplace is no different than in other relationships. It all comes down to intent.
 

Agnes, one of my clients, complained to me about one of the employees in the accounting firm where she works.

"Sally was hired to help me, but she often acts like she's superior to me. She's lazy. Like if the phone rings, instead of answering it, she waits for me to answer it. She lets things pile up until I have to do them. She is just not doing her job and now my boss is upset with me about it because Sally has complained to him about me! I've let her know over and over what needs to be done but she's not doing it."

"Agnes, when you let her know, what do you say?"

"I say, 'Sally, you need to answer the phone. It is your job, not mine."

When Agnes said this, her voice was harsh and parental.

"Agnes, is this the first time you have ever had problems with other employees or people working under you?"

"No, it happens all the time. People are so lazy!"

"Agnes, your tone of voice when you were telling me what you said to Sally was quite harsh and parental. Most people don't like to be controlled and will become resistant to doing what you want, even if they risk being fired. As long as your intent is to control rather than to inform and learn, you are going to have problems at work."

When your intent is to learn, you will stay tuned into your feelings to know when there is an issue that needs to be dealt with. You will be asking yourself, whenever there is a problem, "What is loving to me now?" "How can I handle this situation without giving myself up or trying to control the other person?" You will consciously stay open to learning with others, offering information with kindness. Blame and criticism occur automatically when the intent is to control, so it is most important to stay aware of your intent.
 

The key is consciousness of your intent.

Your intent is always betrayed in your tone of voice. If you say to an employee, "This needs to be done by 6:00" and your intent is to control, your tone will automatically be hard - which may create resistance and resentment. If you say the same thing with the intent to be kind and inform, your tone will hold authority and others are likely to listen and do their work well.

Whether you are an employee or an employer, or have issues with co-workers, it is about consciousness of your intent. You will find yourself having very few problems when your intent is to learn, be kind, and inform, rather than to control.

People often want examples of what to say and do in specific situations, but the problem with this is that, if your intent is to control, it doesn't matter what words you use - it won't turn out well. On the other hand, when you stay tuned in to yourself and your guidance and intend to be caring to yourself and others, you will find that the words will be there for you, said in a way that doesn't create resentment and resistance in others.

I invite you to heal your relationships with my 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love. This program applies to all relationships.