In any interaction with another person, there are always two levels of communication: intent and content.

Intent refers to whether, in this moment, our deepest desire is either to control or to love: to avoid or to learn.

Content is the issue we may be discussing - time, money, tasks, communication, sexuality, parenting, relationships with family and friends, food, health, and so on. The content is the topic of discussion while the intent is the context, or container, within which we are interacting.
 

Discussions over issues easily disintegrate into arguments when one or both people are in the intent to control.

Issues cannot reach resolution unless both people - or all concerned - have an intent to learn. In fact, even more issues get created when one or more people involved in the discussion are choosing control rather than learning, because now the controlling behavior itself - anger, judgment, blame and so on - becomes an issue.

We have no control over another's intent; attempts to get another to open are generally met with resistance. Trying to get another to open, even with niceness or kindness, is just another form of control. Most people who want to control also do not want to be controlled and will go into resistance if they feel someone trying to control them, even if it is just to get them to open up.

The key to not creating more issues when you feel you are open to learning and the other person is not, is to accept your helplessness over another's intent. If you completely accept that there is nothing you can do to get another person to listen to you, understand you, agree with you, accept you, or do what you want, then you will not pursue the discussion. You will not continue to hit your head against a wall when you have no hope of the wall coming down. When you accept that you are powerless to change another's intent, you will stop trying to do so.
 

We stay in dysfunctional discussions and arguments when we do not accept the truth - that we have no control over getting another to open, agree, understand, care, accept, and so on.

We stay in these difficult interactions because we deny our powerlessness over others. We convince ourselves that if we just say the right things, in just the right way, the other person will finally hear us and care about what we feel and want. Because of this illusion, we can exhaust ourselves in fruitless arguments that leave us even more frustrated and lonely than before we began.

It is very important to remember that, while we have no control over another's intent, we have total control over our own intent. When we are willing to let go of our focus on content and instead become aware of intent, then we are in a position to choose the loving action for ourselves. It is far more loving to ourselves and others to disengage from combative discussions until both people are open, than to argue, lecture, convince, judge, plead, cry, blame, or criticize in an attempt to change another's intent.

However, walking away can also be a form of control if the intent of walking away is to punish the other person. The energy you will have if you walk away in anger and blame is entirely different than the energy of disengaging and walking away because it is the loving thing to do for yourself and for the other. When you are walking away as a loving adult, you can simply say, "Let's talk about this later, when we are both open."

Often, in my workshops and intensives, when I make the statement that it is more loving to walk away from a combative discussion than continue to argue, someone invariable says, "When I walk away, my partner often says, 'You always run away rather than stay and resolve things.' What do I do then?"
 

If someone blames you for peacefully disengaging, then the other person is still trying to control you.

He or she hopes to hook you in with the attack. The best thing to do is not respond at all. Anything you say will be a defense or explanation and you will be right back into the fray. It is very important to keep your adult present so that you don't get hooked back into the argument.

A good time to reenter the discussion is after each of you has done your own Inner Bonding work and are open to learning with each other. You will be surprised how easily conflicts get resolved when both people are open to learning.

Remembering to tune into the intent rather than getting stuck in the content when one or both are not open to learning, will keep conflicts from escalating into fights.

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