The Long Way Home
By Sheryl PaulJanuary 30, 2013
Moving quickly and staying busy are culturally sanctioned ways to avoid our feelings. Learn how Inner Bonding can help you attend to the painful feelings that arise when you find the courage to slow down.
There’s construction taking place at one of our major intersections, so on the way home from town now we run the risk of running into traffic. Shortly after the construction began, we discovered a detour that allowed us to bypass the traffic. It’s a side road that runs along Boulder airport, then through a beautiful, tree-filled residential neighborhood, past a lake, and up a small hill that opens up to views of the Rocky Mountains. It probably takes longer to drive along what my boys now call “the short-cut” or “the secret way”, but we opt to take this route every chance we get because it’s Boulder at its best – and it beats sitting at the light for several minutes longer than normal.
As the sun streaked pink and gold across the early evening sky on our way home, it struck me how rarely we choose to take the long way home. We move so quickly in this culture, obsessively focused on the destination; whether it’s deadline, a wedding day, the birth of a baby, or just getting home, we focus on the goal and lose sight of the journey. The phrase “it’s about the journey, not the destination” has become cliché, yet so few people take it to heart.
Why? Primarily because taking time to settle into the journey requires slowing down, and slowing down usually activates our feelings. Not only do we devalue feelings in this culture, but most people learned early in life that their big feelings weren’t accepted and, more dangerously, were subject to shame, judgement, and ridicule. When I have a client who says that she or he had loving parents, I often say, “Yes, I’m sure that’s true. But tell me how they responded to your big feelings.” I don’t say this to vilify parents, but simply to draw attention to the fact that most parents, having no idea how to respond compassionately and inquisitively to their own feelings, automatically shun the big feelings of their kids. When a child is frustrated, angry, scared, or sad, the most common message – even if it’s implicit and never said aloud – is, “Get over it.”
Learning that feelings aren’t valued has far-reaching ramifications. As my mother, Dr. Margaret Paul, wrote in her recent article, “Once a child thoroughly suppresses his feelings, he loses touch with his humanity –- with his connection with himself, others and a spiritual source of love. When he can no longer feel the pain he causes others because he can’t feel his own pain, he stops caring about others. He is left with a huge inner emptiness that he cannot manage.
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Daily Inspiration
Free will is a great gift. Because of free will, we have the opportunity to choose who we want to be each moment. We can also choose to be unconscious of this choice. Today, be conscious of choosing who you want to be - loving or unloving; open or closed; in surrender to Spirit or attempting to control feelings, others or outcomes; learning about love or protected against pain.
By Dr. Margaret Paul