The Top 10 Hits of the Wounded Self

The "it's me" beliefs

1. "I am not enough."

2. "You don't deserve to be loved."

3. "I need to protect my heart and be guarded until I know it is safe to love."

4. "If I am responsible and take care of myself I will end up alone."

5. "I might fail."

6. "There isn't enough time."

7. "It's too hard."

8. "I have to be perfect to be loved."

9. "No one likes me."

and the "it's you" beliefs

10. "It's your (someone else's) fault I am not ___________________ (i.e. happy)."

...and even noticing the wounded self is always focused on itself. The wounded self is intentionally narcissistic. The entire focus is on the self, and self-judgment in hopes that someone else will fix it, fix you, save the day, make things better...that they won't judge you.

            These top 10 hits would not be hits if in some way you were not rewarded albeit with discomfort, discomfort being its own reward by satisfying the need to be connected to others and to yourself. With this discomfort comes significance if indeed your "problem" is significant in your eyes and you hope the eyes of others. It is said that if we meet our three or more of our needs by a particular set of words or beliefs and these are met at high levels it becomes an addictive pattern. The way to break and addictive pattern is to interrupt the pattern. Questions are an excellent way to discover your patterns. So if it is true, and I believe it is, that there is a good reason for everything that we do, especially our habitual thinking....why not challenge the thinking with a few questions to discover why you are addicted to this way of thinking.

            -What is my intention in being invested in this pattern of thinking?

            -What are the benefits, meaning what feeling is underneath, I am avoiding?

            -Who or what am I trying to control?

            -What part of me is in resistance? Does it remind me of an event in the past?

            -Is there another way to frame my belief that supports me?

            Use the above questions to move you toward discovery of your feelings. Do I feel resistance when I ask the questions? Do I feel frozen? If you feel resistance or feel frozen, be aware that compassion is needed. If you move forward with your process without acknowledging the resistance you are likely to become frustrated with Inner Bonding. A more compassionate view would be to acknowledge the part of you that is resisting with love. As the saying goes, whatever you resist persists...especially when one tries to plow through. In the martial art of aikido students are taught to work with the attacking energy....to move with it rather than resist it. This is true with Inner Bonding, use the energy of the resistance by acknowledging it and bringing in compassion without the intention of trying to bully it...as this is likely the energy that created the resistance to begin with. Trust that compassion is needed for the part of you that has put up the "good fight".

            Can I identify the feelings associated with the beliefs? If you can identify the feelings associated with them? If you can, you are ready to take these discovered beliefs through your Inner Bonding process. I particularly enjoy the discovery of a deep hidden belief, as if I am moving it from the shadows into the light. Again using the energy of the belief for my healing rather than fighting against it.

            You may find that these beliefs surface, again and again. This is information also. These beliefs are deeply programmed. These thoughts have become addictive patterns. It is not that you have failed in your process, but for as many times you practiced this pattern to program it into your psyche...a new pattern must be practiced with kindness and love to create a new loving and supportive pattern. So the next time you feel an attack on yourself...by yourself....move with it....don't fight it, just it, shame or blame it....let it just be information for the journey.