I Have Arrived. I Am Home.

            I have arrived. I am home. This is a meditation used by Thich Nhat Hanh that has been showing up in my life the past two months. I have arrived....I am home....I have arrived....it is so simple and so profound. I was reminded of my Inner Bonding journey and process this last year.

            Last year at this time I was attending the Inner Bonding Intensive as a participant...this year as an assistant. It was at the 2011 June intensive that I opened to learning about where I had been in my process. I opened to the idea that I had not created intimacy within myself, connection with my inner child. I was still trying to control what everyone thought about me, my Inner Bonding process and I became aware that this had not brought me closer to home but further away. All my controls both conscious and unconscious were of my own making had led me away from myself and I had used them under the guise of Inner Bonding. I was shocked to recognize, although I had led others through to their feelings...I myself was just getting connected to Step One: tuning into my feelings and taking responsibility for them....all it took was a willingness to let go of control. I can't say that any part of my process was a loss, because it was during this time I became intimately aware of what an intention to protect/control felt like in my body. My wounded self can make up some fantastic stories but my body will never lie to me.

            In November at the Advanced Intensive I had a major "Aha" moment and opened to learn about the block created by my need to control connection with others and how I believed that this was my only way to be in relationship with another person because it was all I had ever practiced. In this "Aha" moment I found my way home...I arrived in my body and connected to my essence so deeply that my wounded self recognized the deep love I had been seeking and I allowed glimpses of my loving adult to appear. I could feel the difference in the power that comes from love and remember the way false power based in fear felt within my body. True safety exists when I am connected to the power that has its base in love. In this space I am never rocked from my center, in this place I can love with my whole heart without fear.

            How did I get there? How might I help others on the path? These were my favorite questions. These are the answers of my Guidance that followed:

            -You gave up the need to do it right

            -You let go of the need for approval

            -You let go of attachment to the outcome and embraced the journey

            -You let go of the need to control

            -You finally embraced loving as a power over not making a mistake

            -You embraced you are the one choosing the intention

            My wounded self had a lot to say:

            -Really? the one decision could open the door to that much love?

            -Just one shift? One choice? One decision?

            -If it's that easy it must be a lie.           

            But the truth is just one shift brought me to arrive at my own door, I was home and determined to stay connected to that deep sense of love. One decision to shift intention created a new vision of myself and in time a new view of everyone around me. The shift from needing to know, to control to be invested in outcome to letting go opened the gate to compassion for ALL the ways I believed control was my path to safety, power and love....helped me feel the Intent to be loving within my body. Now my body has become my best friend, my feelings have become an infallible guide in conjunction with my Guidance...they let me know all the information I could ever need to take loving care of myself. I let go of my belief that difficult feelings were something to suffer through, sink into and disappear...they are a gift of information to help me live my best life....to learn to love more deeply and share that love with others.