Do You Have The Courage to Learn About Yourself?

I'd had three phone sessions with Anika when I decided it was time to approach her about her intent. In my experience, she believed she was open to learning, but was completely closed to learning about herself. We were getting stuck because when I would reflect something to her about herself, she would get defensive, obviously feeling attacked by me.

"Anika, there must be a good reason that you are not open to learning."

"I am open to learning. I love to learn. I'm always learning, and I feel very unseen by you that you don't get I'm open to learning."

"Well, in my definition of being open to learning, you would be curious regarding why I don't think you are open, rather than getting defensive and upset with me."

"Well, okay. What do you mean by open to learning and why don't you think I'm open?"

"Anika, you are obviously interested in learning lots of things. You are very interested in learning everything you can about training dogs and flying planes. But when it comes to learning about yourself—especially about your wounded self and the various ways you control, you close up and get defensive. Do you have a judgment about being controlling?"

"Yes, it's wrong to try to control."

"Well then, that's the problem. In my experience, we've all learned many ways of trying to control others, outcomes and our own painful feelings. We needed to learn these strategies as we were growing up in order to survive, but now these controlling behaviors are causing us problems. From what I see, they are causing lots of problems between you and your husband and you and your son. Are you willing to open to learning about your own controlling behaviors?"

"Oh, now I see why you experienced me as closed. I have been closed to learning about this because I've always thought it was wrong to control." Anika then opened and we had a wonderful session.

The Fear of Learning About Yourself

What are you afraid of finding out about yourself? These are some of the things clients have told me about their fear of learning about themselves:

• I will find out something awful about myself—something that proves I'm bad, not good enough, inadequate, unlovable or unworthy.
• I will find out about something that happened to me as I was growing up that I can't handle.
• I will discover that I have to completely change my life—my work, my relationship, everything.
• I will have to feel feelings that are too scary to feel.
• I will find out that there is nothing to find out—that I'm empty inside.

When we talk about learning about ourselves, we need to define which 'self' we are talking about. It is important to differentiate between our ego wounded self and our true, core Self. Avoiding learning about our wounded self prevents us from discovering our incredible core Self.

Learning About Your Ego Wounded Self

Our wounded self is who we created to help us survive the loneliness, helplessness and heartbreak of childhood. As stated earlier, this part of us had to learn many protective strategies—many controlling and addictive behaviors - to avoid the pain we were too small to manage. This part of us also contains hundreds of false beliefs that limit us.

If you want to experience freedom, joy and loving relationships, you need to have the courage to learn about and heal your controlling, protective, addictive behaviors and false beliefs. The only way to do this is to put your judgments of these behaviors and beliefs on the table and open to learning about them.

Learning About Your True Self

Our true Self is our soul self, the essence of us created by God (God is whatever it means for you: Spirit, the Universe, Universal Intelligence, Love, Jesus and so on). Our true Self is created in the image of God-which-is-love. As we open to learning about our wounded self, and heal the fears and false beliefs that lead to our addictive, controlling behaviors, we discover the magnificent essence that lies underneath.

Lets look again at the above fears in the light of this information:

• I will find out something awful about myself—something that proves I'm bad, not good enough, inadequate, unlovable or unworthy.

You will discover that this applies only to your wounded self, not to your core Self. Because our wounded self is a fabrication, it will never be good enough, and no one ever likes another's wounded self. It is up to us to lovingly embrace our own wounded self so we can heal it.

You will discover that none of these fears are true about the core Self.

• I will find out about something that happened to me as I was growing up that I can't handle.

You might discover trauma and abuse that occurred in your childhood, but it is not true that you can't handle it. You couldn't handle it then, but now you can learn, through practicing Inner Bonding, to manage the pain of childhood.

• I will discover that I have to completely change my life—my work, my relationship, everything.

You might discover that it was your wounded self who chose your work or who is operating in your relationship. No one will force you to change anything, but you might want to change some things to bring yourself more joy and satisfaction.

• I will have to feel feelings that are too scary to feel.

As you learn and practice Inner Bonding and develop your spiritual connection, you will find that there are no feelings that are too scary to feel.

• I will find out that there is nothing to find out—that I'm empty inside.

You will discover that it is the wounded self who is empty. As you uncover your beautiful core Self, you will find that you are anything but empty.

Why not start today practicing Inner Bonding and learning about yourself? This is a profound path to inner peace, joy and loving relationships.