Loneliness

      “We have all known the long loneliness, and we have found that the answer is community.”

-Dorothy Day      

      Lonely as described in the dictionary is listed as affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone...destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship or support...isolated. No wonder why we have such a difficult time embracing the existential feeling that we all experience...LONELINESS. I have come to believe loneliness exists to spur us on to learn, for our own spiritual growth through our relationships with one another. Loneliness spurs us on to connect with others, but also gives us information about our own process as well. As human beings in separate bodies we experience disconnection from others, and within our bodies can experience disconnection from our essence or soul if we live our lives outside of our bodies and in our heads. Loneliness does not come to create suffering, but to bring us information for our own good...our own development and the development of others through its awareness.

            However, there are often beliefs about being alone or lonely that might prevent us from benefitting from this feeling. The feeling of isolation can be a result of thinking that your current situation is permanent and that you are helpless to do anything about it. You may rather that gather information turn to a story about why you are lonely:                      

            * There must be something wrong with me

            * I am alone because I am not loveable

            * I will die alone

            * No one wants to spend time with me          

            These ideas come from the belief that loneliness is a way of being, a sentence for the life you have led and that somehow you are in control of the loneliness. This is your wounded self or ego not wanting to accept loneliness as information, but rather something that needs to be controlled. So rather than gain the information through the loneliness, I might choose to:

            *get busy, fill my schedule with many projects

            *turn on the television, read a book, eat a pint of ice cream

            * call a friend and pull for attention to be seen and heard

I will choose one of many addictions to move me away from the uncomfortable feeling of loneliness to cover up the judgments and beliefs I have about loneliness....but there is yet another option.

            I can recognize the uncomfortable feeling, give it space within my body without trying to change it or make it go away. I can even catch this feeling if I find myself in or about to attempt any of the actions from above (or any other addiction). The actions will let me know that I tried to bypass a feeling, I can move back into my body to discover the discomfort and breathe into it for information. I can turn to my Inner Bonding process to go deeper to learn what the feeling has come to teach me.

            I move into Step 1: Move into the body, tune into feelings and sensations. In this step I can recognize the discomfort, and breathe into the discomfort making space for the lesson or information it has come to give me as a gift.

            Step 2: Move into a compassionate intention to learn. This step here is key. I have to be willing to move into awareness of the judgments and beliefs that are keeping me from the feeling and not believe they are the problem. The intention to learn about how I process my feelings as a life sentence, a point of suffering can lead me away from the very information that might bring me joy and peace. In this step I breathe into my heart and make the commitment to learn not only about the feelings, but my process that sometimes keeps me stuck.

            Step 3: Dialogue with your inner child and wounded self. I begin without any need to do anything but gather information as an impartial judge. In the place of impartial judge I let the beliefs, feelings and information flow as if I'm writing down someone else's story. In this manner, I can get to the bottom of some of the "very good" reasons I am feeling the way that I do so that I might bring it to...

            Step 4: Dialogue with your Higher Self or Guidance to seek the truth about my beliefs and gather the information that "loneliness" has come to give me as direction. My guidance knows that my feeling body is a large part of my guidance system. As I uncover the beliefs I bring them forward, paying attention to what I feel in my body. If I feel a tension, an anxiety, or confusion...I can be assured this is a story that does not support my higher good. If on the other hand I feel the tension release, and am filled with peace...I am moving closer to a deeper truth. As I gather the truth, I will also ask of my guidance...what would be loving for me right now?

            Often in my own dialogues with guidance, I have become aware that there is helplessness over others being available and there is the story I am helpless over my loneliness. The answers I receive from guidance will vary according to if I am willing to take a loving action or I would prefer to sink into the victim mode of loneliness and lose the lesson. Often a loving action will involve asking deeper questions...is there some loving action that has not been completed that is making you feel abandoned rather than lonely? Have you been isolating yourself because you don't want to face some of your soul's lessons that exist when in relationship with another person? On the lighter side... would you like to have some play time with a friend or a group of friends?

            As the steps become second nature, the questions flow throughout the day...checking in to my feelings throughout the day helps the process become as natural as breathing. However it does not stop my wounded self from creating beliefs that often mask the core feelings or distort their message. I have to be willing to seek the deeper questions to realize that loneliness comes for the purpose of seeking what still needs to be learned. For me seeking relationships with friends and loved ones....especially family....as in these places I am triggered into my wounded self actions and beliefs...rather than run from them...with my loving adult I can open to the deeper information...deeper questions that bring my soul a sense of peace and joy. Instead of letting my ego or wounded self to decide what lessons I came to learn, I let my feeling body guide me to the lessons I need most to learn. This is the place where courage is most needed. Courage also has it's root in the word heart....and in my heart I connect to Love...and Love is what we all need to heal.                      

“Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for”-Dag Hammarskjold