Unwritten Letters: resolve unfinished business

     Relationships end. People move away, we grow up and change, romances end, someone dies….Often leaving a trail of unfinished business and unresolved feelings. Last year I got an email that my ex-husband had committed suicide. It was on the same day I had returned from my daughter’s surgery in Arizona. I was shocked and then again not completely surprised, but left with the same feeling as when my father passed away….how will I resolve my feelings if I can’t talk to them anymore. I was aware at this point that I was the one responsible for my feelings, but found there was an aspect of my wounded self that wanted to hear “I’m sorry” from him for the way he had treated me and my children. A part of me was unwilling to let go of the hurt I had attached to my relationships.

            So I sat down and wrote letters to them….and the letter to my ex-husband was something like this;

Dear ­­­­­____________,

            I can’t say I’m completely surprised by your choice to end your life. You began that path long ago with unloving choices you were making. Your telling my daughter her love wasn’t enough for you was one of the most heart-wrenching experiences as a mother to witness. You were so caught up in you and your needs that you missed out on some terrific experiences. I think this suicide was the most selfish act to date. You left behind some very confused and angry people. You left others to clean up your body and pay the bills for your funeral. You had no consideration for others and were such an angry man, a victim of your circumstances that you created with your irresponsible behavior…..

            And I realized, after reading it again…..there were lessons and gold within these words, similar to an anger process. The vehicle of the letter allowed me to express my feelings in a way I was not editing or trying to process my words. I was allowing them to flow in another form. I reviewed the letter this time with a highlighter, and looked for questions for myself.

“What unloving choices have I been unaware of in my own life?”

“What are the deeper feelings I might be avoiding?”

“What ways have I not been open to receiving love and lessons in my life?”

“In what ways have I not been responsible for myself? looking for others to take it?”

“In what ways have I chosen to blame another rather than feel?”

            In my unresolved feelings with another I have discovered within me parts of my personality that have not been brought to light or acknowledged to receive the lessons they are here for the evolution of my soul. When I am in conflict with another whether in a present relationship or one that has ended….the conflict is often deeply a conflict within rather than with the other person. If writing a letter or doing an anger process is my way in to the deeper feelings and information….I am now willing to explore the information rather than choose to see these uncomfortable moments as an opportunity to blame either myself or another. I choose to learn.