Half of My Heart

     Send unconditional love to an empty chair? I feel my father is present in the room and I gaze over at the empty chair and feel him after I read the words "send unconditional love to the people that injured them and "release"...." I looked up as if reading the Sunday paper and opening a discussion. "Am I supposed to forgive you unconditionally?" I ask the chair...and my father answers with a shrug, almost child-like pose of what did I do wrong? I move in to my heart and feel the daggers I've placed there with my anger. They've been there for so long, the pain of the anger, I've lost the feeling..."Oh," I say to myself "that old stuff". I realize that there is a reason to keep the daggers in my heart rather than forgive my father. I don't have to take responsibility for my not being in a relationship for as long as I blame him for ruining me. I don't have to face the other ways I'm holding onto past hurts to not move forward. I recognize the importance of removing the daggers to see my heart in a new way. Perhaps I believe if I remove all of the daggers my heart will fall apart.

            Back to the chair..."Hey Dad...you still there?"...he nods. He picks the chair with a faith, peace, joy, friendship pillow....of course. This is the place that healing begins...another layer begins to peel off as I realize in his own suffering, in his own wounded self he acted out, and as a result I was hurt. As I become aware of this, I notice a layer of softening, and the removal of the first of the daggers. I am willing to move into a compassionate intention to learn. The intention to learn shows up in my body when I soften and open my heart. I realize my closed heart shows up as tension and fear. This awareness allows me to know whether I am open or closed to learning.

            "But what about the others I ask?" What lessons are in the daggers I've placed in my heart to fill the holes? "Why daggers?" I ask.  I notice father has moved from the chair to a more comfortable reclining position on the couch...he's noticed my forgiveness is going to take awhile. It's not so much for him that he's here...he's not the one in need of release. It's me. He's here for me in a way he couldn't be when he was alive. His sadness, shrug and childlike pose was not shame, but some form of despair knowing he has no control over my healing, it is in my hands.

            I know I have scattered memories, both wonderful and horrible of my childhood. I learned to leave my body early...to be unkind, to comfort with food, talking and trying to get others to love me. I am frustrated with not being able to remember everything, and haunted by my dreams at night that depict painful and disgusting acts of abuse. I recognize my frustration is a result of trying to control my memories rather than learn from what I have present in my body. I recognize I've moved out of my intention to learn...I'm trying to clean things up and move on. However, I can't move on from this place...I'm not open to learning until I can move back into my heart, and let it be okay that I don't remember everything. The memories that need healing will come, when I can be present with a compassionate intention to learn. When I decide to learn...when I decide it is more important to learn than to hold onto the pain...keep the dagger in place for fear of my heart bursting. When I am willing to see I am the one causing the suffering.

            Whether physical, energetic or spiritual in nature it all feels the same...exact knowledge isn't the key to healing. Forgiveness and responsibility for my own life are the keys...feeling my feelings rather than moving away from them. When my work is my own, I have no need to hang onto what has happened in the past, but learn from it and let it go. I can forgive when I realize the work is my own. No apology can do the work that I need to do on my own. Unforgiveness is just a block to work and growth. Unconditional forgiveness for another allows unconditional forgiveness for myself. ...removal of another dagger.

            I look over at the couch and ask "is this why you've come to visit? Will I be alone for the next discoveries....or can you help me with the others?" and I look up again and he is gone. His energy has left the room. Nothing last forever rings in my head. Makes me think what purpose is suffering? Why do we choose the daggers....the daggers represent holding onto the pain in my heart. That's why the visual was daggers. It's not that the pain happened but the pain I held onto that created the daggers in my heart...rather than feeling it.

            So what are your daggers? ...unforgiveness, shame, blame, anger, frustration? Each of these come with information for your healing. Compassion and a deep desire to learn are the keys to letting go of the suffering. In Inner Bonding you can discover a path to healing and removing your own daggers. I'm hearing the song "Half of My Heart" by John Mayer..."half of my heart has a grip on the situation" and knowing as I continue to practice Inner Bonding and open to learning...loving will become more natural than protecting...and the other half of my heart will know.