I Do Not Give the Sewer Company the Right to Disconnect Me from Love!

Inner Bonding is a process, a journey, not a destination.  At some point, we realize that it just keeps getting better, guaranteed, as we continue to remove the blocks to being fully who we already are. Spirit is on our side, and if we allow it, things show up, books, experiences, signs, guideposts in many, many forms.

In my case, I have recently become very aware of a program that has been running all of my life.  This program says, “You just have to push yourself thru this, and then you can be okay.”  Except it never happens, because there is always the next obstacle. It is a recipe for delayed gratification, for putting work ahead of fun, for living under enormous pressure, even for hijacking Inner Bonding.  The list goes on.  This program was installed when I was being born, when my very survival depended on being able to push myself thru the obstacle of my mother, terrified and shut down and unable to help me.  Part of me never made it out, left behind in that struggle for survival.   Of course I made an obstacle out of that too. When I am doing sessions with clients, I am not in that mode at all, so if I can only “get past” this stuck belief and apply that to the rest of my life, I will be okay.  From a certain point of view, the endless, seemingly true, metaphors for that belief become comic after awhile.  

At the same time, at Margaret’s book club's suggestion, I have been reading “An Untethered Soul” but Michael Singer (on my new Kindle).  Seemingly unrelated at the time.  Although he does not put this in inner child terms, one of the things he points out is that by trying to protect against something, we are actually keeping it attached to us.  

So the first epiphany I had was so simple.  I AM ALREADY OUT!!  I did get born.  THERE IS NO OBSTACLE, EXCEPT IN MY MIND!  I had always resisted the point of view that things could be released that simply, but now it made complete sense.

But it gets better!  Another thing that Singer emphasizes is that your heart connection with the energy of spirit is your default.  You have to choose to close your heart, and you can just as well choose to open.  Heck, I have written about the same thing in prior columns!  Again, I always resisted the simplicity of that and likely it is still true that a certain amount of inner work has to take place first, but thanks to the gift of a drama with the sewer company, it is “sinking” in.

 I had a sewer back up in the basement after a hard rain (first time for that).  The sewer company people came out to check on it and the representative told me that after they checked things out, he would come back to talk to me about it.  He did not, he just left a note of the door saying that it was probably due to water building up from my driveway drain and maybe the downspouts of my house.  Today, I opened a letter from them essentially saying the same thing, not their fault, won’t pay for the repairs.  In reality the driveway drain was blocked by pine needles during the storm and could not have contributed, but you don’t need the detailed argument here!  The important thing was that after I read the letter my body went straight into obstacle mode, and it felt so awful to tell myself that once again, I have to push and fight to be okay.  Except this time I really felt the awfulness of it.  It did not feel quite so normal anymore.

Then the second epiphany hit!  Since I am already okay, all I was doing in that moment was choosing to allow the sewer company to cause me to close my heart.  Wow!  You know how it is when you are watching a movie and it is out of focus and suddenly it comes into focus?  Well that was the whole movie of my life! Okay Michael Singer, I get it! I am not discounting my little girl by choosing not to let the sewer company shut down my heart. I am embracing her and not allowing a wounded belief to define her reality.  I will still contact the sewer company, but I will notice when my body contracts into that familiar mode and remember what I already know, that I am already okay, that I already know how to connect with someone who loves me deeply and completely and that, fundamentally, THERE IS NO PROBLEM!   

A week ago, I would have said that sounded crazy, of course there is a problem and it is up to me to solve it and solving it was the only "way out."  I am not sure that the me of a week ago would have even understood what I am writing now, but it gives me a great chance to practice, because my default would be to make saying this clearly enough so that you, dear reader, will understand, that is, a problem that I should try to solve.  I get to choose something else today.  I choose instead to simply open my heart and be okay.  Less pressure on you anyway, since I have already survived and it is no longer up to you at all!