There Must Be a Really Good Reason: finding your compassionate intention to learn

         Step Two of Inner Bonding states : move into a compassionate intent to learn. These simple words have a powerful effect when understood from the place of a loving adult. What if you haven't yet developed a loving adult? One of the first questions asked in the process "Are you willing to take responsibility for your feelings today?" What does that mean? For me responsibility was a word my parents used to blame and shame. The follow up to that was "There must be a very good reason that you feel this way, I'm curious if you know what that is?" This  particular phrase gave me such heartache when I was in the throes of resistance when I began to learn Inner Bonding. "Good?" I'd ask in a slightly sarcastic tone, while thinking to myself "this doesn't feel good, so how can it be good?" So caught up in the word "good" when I knew my behavior was unloving, I immediately chose judgment over learning. I realized, this phrase was used by my parents to shame me when I hadn't performed in a way that was acceptable..."there must be a very good reason young lady that you didn't get a better grade....your room isn't clean, you're late....you didn't___________________" gosh fill in the blank with any blaming or shaming that could exist.

            When in facilitation or during an Inner Bonding Intensive I would find myself in the middle of the circle, and being asked these questions, over and over again, met with the very same resistance. The frustration was so difficult, I had flown all these miles to move past this "stuck" feeling, only to be met with more resistance from within. What was going on? Instead of looking at the resistance as information as well, I often used my wounded self to push through, only to find I was trying to figure it out in my head.

            Recently I was floored to realize after all these years of Inner Bonding practice I was turning to judgment rather than learning. I needed to move to the question of "Can you have compassion for the part of you that chose procrastination over cleaning the house? A candy bar over a salad? To not go to the party?" Finding compassion first was my opening, it wasn't enough to know in my head I needed to be in a compassionate intention to learn, I had to check in, just as with my feelings, "Can you have compassion for the part of  you that    _________________________(inserting current actions and feelings)? This question has become essential in my process. I not only have to "know" I need compassion, I have to feel compassion if I am going to ask into my feelings, and feel compassion in order to gain the information without judgment. The question seeking compassion is my key into feeling my feelings without judgment.

            I need this question to open to the compassion needed for my compassionate intention to learn of Step Two. If I cannot find compassion when I ask into the feeling or circumstance, I choose to do the three-step anger process to reveal more areas that I might ask the question "Can you have compassion for the part of you that______________?" At that point I can feel my heart soften, and open with my wounded self (ego), my essence (core self) and my guidance to mine the gold of these feelings and move toward the discovery of loving actions and creative solutions within my day.