Don't Go Breakin' My Heart

     Heartbreak has not always for the reason I thought it was. Heartbreak songs play on the radio, telling me he done me wrong, I’m better off without out him, I can’t live without you kind of songs reminding me that the love train has left the station. I try to make sense of the end of another hopeful start to a sad finish, this end with many gifts. After the initial emotional wave I learned the heartbreak was not that he didn't see me, understand me, but the heartbreak is that I didn't think I was enough.  I believed the whole time that his approval, his happiness, his smile was giving me feedback, letting me know my current value. I found this way of valuing myself was as crazy making as watching the stock market and believing that a good day would mean I was secure, and a plummeting stock day meant I had an uncertain future. I had been the one who broke my own heart, long before the relationship came to an official end, by giving my little girl away - giving him the power to let me know my day’s stock value as a girlfriend, as a human being. It was subtle, a program running in the background, I wasn’t aware that the agreement was still in place.

     I thought I was practicing the 6 steps of Inner Bonding. I wasn’t aware I was a part of my own heartbreak. I believed it was because he wasn’t open to learning with me, which was true, but there was more. I believed I was lonely because he wasn’t available, which was true, but I was also abandoning myself in subtle ways with the old agreements firmly in place.

     It wasn’t until the relationship ended, and the heartbreak was still in place, could I explore why I still had the feelings of heartbreak, when he wasn’t there. Who was left? It was me. This time without judgment, I could look at the loneliness, and see pockets of aloneness, could look at the heartbreak and ask my little girl why she was so sad….and I could hear her. She let me know, this wasn’t the first time I had given myself away to someone who was not open to learning. She let me know that I had been kidding myself thinking it was something that only occurs outside of me. I stopped and I realized, yes, people are sometimes opened and sometimes closed, but if I’m feeling my feelings, and heartbreak arises, I need to look beyond what I first am aware of. I realize that as a dream has many interpretations, so do my feelings, there is never just one answer. I need to ask the very important questions. “What am I saying or doing that is causing this feeling?” as well.