Is It Better to be "Nice" or "Loving"?

During my own personal session with Dr. Margaret Paul, a question was posed. "Is there a difference between being "nice" and being "loving"?" I knew immediately to go to my body to drop in and feel the subtle differences. It reminded me of seeing the show "Wicked" in which the history of Glinda fka GaLinda and Elphaba aka the Wicked Witch of the West before Dorothy came onto the scene. One glimpse of Glinda allows us to peer into how she uses "nice" and a giggle and smile to get what she wants, while the honest and loving Elphaba is misunderstood and demonized for speaking up for those who are now unable to speak up for themselves. When those in power can't stop her from taking loving action the character is demonized, creating the false belief that she is evil. It is a false perception that "nice" equals caring for others, a form of sacrifice, when indeed "nice"  is about creating an image, creating a view of ourselves one wants others to experience. It is a control. One wishes to control how one is viewed and accepted. Perhaps others will cooperate in our manipulation, and justify it with believing it is for the good of all. That is nice. As I moved into my body to feel each idea, embody the idea, I immediately felt the pull of "nice, the pull felt on both sides of the exchange. I realize behind "nice" is often an agenda, that I had not been conscious of before feeling "nice". I had pride in being a "nice" person and it has been a tool in my personal controlling toolbox for years. This controlling behavior is less obvious than a loud boorish angry person demanding you do as they do. It is subtle, often undetected, except at a feeling level where the one being pulled upon is confused why resentment is coming up when they are experiencing such a "nice" person.

Haven't you ever had a moment of "Why doesn't this feel okay, she/he's being so "nice"? What's wrong with me?" It's the pull that is causing the confusion. The "nice" person wants acceptance and cooperation. "Nice" is not a selfless act.

So then I embodied "loving", coming from a place of compassion and acceptance of what is. Loving without the need to be acknowledged or accepted. I immediately felt a sense of peace, no longer felt the need to pull, or the sensation of pulling. Loving is a compassionate desire for what is best for the other, needing nothing in return. One acts from the loving adult rather than the wounded self. 

Before this question was presented, I was unaware of the difference. I challenge you. Don't take these words as truth until you too try this exercise.

Sit or lay down. Find a comfortable position for your body.

Take three deep cleansing breaths.

Begin with "nice", visualize a circumstance where you or another was nice.

Scan your body, what sensations arise? Do the feelings have a color, texture or voice.

Take note.

Now visit "loving", visualize a circumstance where you or another was loving.

Scan your body, what sensations arise? Do the feelings have a color, texture or voice.

Take a note.

Now compare the feelings. Can you feel the difference in your body. I sure could feel the pull of nice and the peace of loving. Loving is not asking anything of me, but accepting what is. I am proudly declaring I no long wish to be called "nice", and would rather be "LOVING".