A Letter to Me

Another journal ends, as I search through my bookcase for yet another unfinished journal to begin my Inner Bonding® work. Each time I grab another journal I’ve been reading the ups and downs of my own life. Always searching for that answer why the dark cloud is coming, was it the winter? Did I have SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder) like that one therapist said? But I realized it happened in the summer too sometimes. I dreaded the feeling that would wash over me like a cloud moving in for rain, and the rain did come. I never knew how long the rain would last, hours, days, and sometimes months. It was the months of rain that brought me to Inner Bonding®. My sister who couldn’t handle me and the business at the same time called Kripalu in a panic, “please get my sister in a program right away, this is an emergency!”, and if you couldn’t guess we have our dramatic moments as a family. The funny thing was each program I picked was full. We had started looking in May, and there wasn’t an opening until the fall. I was almost laughing at this moment to realize that I couldn’t get to the place that was going to be healing for me. It felt like a joke, and in my moment of deep sarcasm, I pointed to “Healing Your Aloneness” in the book and said, “ask them about that one Sam, I bet nobody wants to go to something like that…” and sure enough there was space. I booked it with much trepidation but didn’t feel like it would kill me. I ordered “Healing Your Aloneness” and “Inner Bonding” so that I might know what I signed up for, only to put them on the side of the bed and leaving them unread until I got to Kripalu. My sister was in Yoga Teacher Training, so we both got there a few days early to have “sister” time. It was a beautiful day, so we headed down to the lake to sit in the chairs and soak in the sun. I brought down the “Inner Bonding” book, and within the first few pages, I began to weep, with highlighter in hand, I think I highlighted most of the pages…and the tears came. However I couldn’t admit to anyone during meals, the program I was to attend that would change my life. I would mumble the name of the program, hoping they weren’t trying to hear what I was saying. I was embarrassed to admit to my sister’s Yoga friends that I was broken and in need of healing. I was sure I was going to have to sit at a table by myself…to heal my aloneness.

            A little more than a year later, when beginning this last journal, I started to write to the woman that first wrote in this journal;

Dear Suzi of 2004,

            If I could just have a moment of your time, I think I could save you a lot of tears and heartache and searching. I learned about something called Inner Bonding® last year and it has changed our life. Change is coming, you’re not going to believe it, nor really want to participate when you go to your first workshop. You’re going to think people look silly walking around the room talking to themselves, you are even going to tell yourself a few times that you should just walk out, you don’t want to feel your feelings. I know you got very good at leaving your body, and being numb. You will complain that you worked so hard to stop feeling, because feelings make people weak. You can’t be weak and be a parent, much less run a business. I know you’re in the middle of an audit…well, brace yourself, it’s going to last three years, but you come out fine on the other side….trust me it would have been better with Inner Bonding®, but you’ll be fine. Your oldest, well, he is really a she, and she’s going to tell you in a few years, and then you’ll know why he’s been so depressed and withdrawn. You’ll all be fine, and believe it or not Rick, her father, is going to be there to help her get home after her first operation. The family learns to accept it, and you are going to be the one that helps them. Crazy, I know it feels crazy.

            Inner Bonding® will be what you’ve been praying for all of these years, and by the end of the workshop, you’ll have signed up for facilitation, and within a week or two you’ll be flying to Colorado, because you are already sure this is going to change your life. You will meet amazing brave and loving people. You’ll have the cutest room, the stars shine brightly out there in Colorado. You are going to be so moved by this experience and this work, that you’ve found that you want to share it with others. This is going to help you grow even more.

            Yesterday during a session of my own, Jesus invited me in to redecorate my heart, he was there with my Inner Child, the humor of my Guidance will always crack you up, trust me. But what I’ve learned so far that I’d like to share with you is this….always take love and compassion into each moment you are attempting to learn something, whether it be with your wounded self(ego) or with your child or guidance. Love and compassion help us open to learning, because all of it does become information, and there is no internal fight going on, love does conquer fear, and even the wounded self will give enough that you can find the feelings behind the fear. This learning will be better than your best vacation, more exciting than finding a great pair of shoes on sale, or redecorating your house for the 5^th time. This learning will give you the courage to dream, and to go for them. This learning will make you a better friend, mother, and business owner. This work will give you the wings to soar, and bring you through some of the toughest times with grace.

            So, Suzi of 2004, smile when you open that book, download the free course, attend an Inner Bonding® event, whether it be a chat, a weekend workshop or an intensive…heck or a facilitation call…because you will have what you’ve always wanted.

With love,

      Suzi from 2010