The Sweetness of Being Received

            Recently, because his significant other was out of town, I spent some time with my ex-husband.  It was an experience of unbelievable sweetness, unlike any I had ever had.  It left my filled and happy, but ultimately craving more and then feeling very sad because I could not have it.  The intense sadness I was feeling told me that I was getting something from him that I was not giving myself but could. 

            As I tuned into what it was, I realized that during most of the time that I was with him, I felt completely received.  His heart was open to me and mine to him.  He was interested in everything I shared and I was interesting in everything he shared.  Nothing happened to interrupt that.  It was so easy to stay in the moment.

            Staying in the moment.  That was key.  I suddenly saw how completely devoted I am to trying to have control over being received.  That rather than receiving myself or others, I have been living just a fraction of the second in the future focused on whether I am being received by others.  I have confused being entertaining and capturing others' interest with getting what I really need, and when I could not pull this off, I have not really understood why it felt so horrible.  I had an image of a heart with a jagged crack so that part of it was always shifted out of line.

            When my feelings come up strongly, I don't have any trouble showing up for them.  I don't say overtly horrible things to myself.  I have healed many of my false beliefs.  I believe in being kind and compassion to myself, but suddenly I had a moment of clarity where I saw how I am not staying with myself in real time.  I could see that trying to have control over being received by others was the same thing as not receiving myself.  That I stay slightly ahead of myself by going into my head.  That having an incredibly fast mind, a blessing in so many ways, is also my greatest challenge.  I saw how by staying slightly ahead of myself, I was telling my little girl that I am not really interested in what she says because it is not important enough and that trying to have control over being received was far more important.  No wonder she is so sad.

            I checked with God.  When I imagined God as a being outside me, present and interested in everything I say and totally receiving me, I immediately got the feeling of sweetness but it felt like then I was giving my little girl to God without changing my own attitudes.  When I checked with the God within, I became the sweetness.  But somehow, my wounded self was still operating from the belief that what I am experiencing is not interesting or important.  I checked with guidance again and this is what I was told "I am totally interested in your experiences because you are an integral part of the creative process of the universe.  Your experiences, your sensations are integral to the whole."  

            So now I get it, at least on a deeper level.  By not staying connected to myself in the real time present, I am refusing to participate in the grand scheme.  I can reframe this, my feelings, my real time experiences as a sacred process of great importance.  I can understand that fulfilling my purpose does not only come from what I do to bring divine love to others, how I make others feel, but that it comes from accepting, fully accepting, the importance of every moment of my human experience.  As long as I remember this, I think I can learn to do it.