Hidden Agendas: Uncovering the Need to Control

          The path of healing goes deeper and deeper. The rewards of emotional and spiritual inquiry can result in the experience of knowing who one is.  What does that mean? It means becoming conscious of what is in the way of being present, being open, being truly alive. For me, the awareness of control is constantly revealed. Even after 15 years of non-stop inquiry into myself, I find there is more to be known about control. Control is very tricky. It hides, it looks loving, it can even make one feel high. That moment when you think, "I did it, I made that happen, I'm good, I'm smart" can be a payoff from having achieved a sense of control. 

            Recently,during a meditation, my secret agenda for success and beauty were revealed to me, almost like a map. I saw my hidden strategies for getting what I want. I saw my beliefs about what makes me worthy and loveable and most important, safe.  I saw a deep inner push that occurs to "make things happen"- my version of trying to live the American dream. I recognized that my beliefs about what makes me worthy, loveable, and safe were keeping me from trusting Spirit. That my own agenda was coming from a wounded place that does not allow Spirit to move through me. It was as if, at the depths of my actions, I was still holding the reins. What a gift to see this!

So I offer to you the idea of spending a little time asking yourself, what do you want? Do you want money, a loving partner, a better job, a different body? And then ask yourself, what do you think this will get you? Do you think this will make you happy? Free? Safe? If you get honest about what you are truly looking for, then you can go right to the Source and find that it already exists. Happiness, freedom, safety, love, it is all within you. It does not come from getting externals in order. You know that, haven't you tried your whole life to get the love and all the other things? Did it work? Are you truly fulfilled by having things in order? 

            Of course we know, that nothing in the external world stays in order. Trying to get something out there to make you ok in here is an illusion. It doesn't work. So lately, I just notice when the agenda asserts itself. It happens many, many times a day. This impulse to control in order to feel safe, this impulse to believe that things have to be a certain way in order for me to be ok. My practice is to say to myself, "there it is, there is that big agenda again, trying to get me something, trying to make me safe." Then I just breath and let it go, knowing, at my core, that I no longer need it. Then I just open to Spirit again and say, "you lead the way."