The Deep Grief of Unloving Actions

My mother could always see what others people were doing wrong and she rarely hesitated to tell them.  For her, being "right" trumped everything.  She had no idea how invasive this was or that this was her protection against profound anxiety.

She taught me well.  I have a wounded self that is like her, devoted to pointing out what other people are doing wrong.  As you can imagine this wounded part lapped up Inner Bonding completely!  What a new and wonderful way to be right!  This wounded self was pretty unpopular at intensives but had a field day with my husband when we were married.

Gradually, as I have become more conscious, this wounded self has receded and I have gotten better at distinguishing between people who want to hear what I am seeing and the majority who don't.  I can certainly keep my little girl happy and safe without calling up this wounded part.

Recently, however, this wounded part showed up again in a conversation with someone I had barely met. Miraculously, unlike most people, he called me on it.  What amazed me and prompted this column was what happened next as I tuned in and did an Inner Bonding process.

Usually, when this wounded part has shown up, the Inner Bonding process has come down to "Whoops, I felt some anxiety and abandoned my little girl.  Have to try to be more conscious next time."

But this time it was different.  I felt a profound sense that I had violated myself.  It felt as if my core self was in grief, saying "This is not who we are."  I realized that unloving actions on my part are as much a violation of my soul as using hard drugs would be of my body.

I was told in meditation at the New Year that I was going to kick it up to the next level this year.  It feels as if the next level has arrived.  Unloving actions are just going to hurt too much. What a profound gift this is!