Abundance vs. Victimhood

A lot of us have the feeling that we want to create a more abundant life for ourselves. As we heal, we realize that we have had a very limited idea of what life can offer. We think of creating abundance in material terms: a nicer environment, more activities, better relationships. Certainly, there are a lot of those things out there for us. However, the feeling of abundance we want to create does not actually come from outside things. It is already available from spirit.

Abundance and fullness are feelings that we experience. Just like any other feelings, they are not caused directly by external events. We can have "everything" and still not have abundance. Accessing the infinite abundance of spirit, having an abundant life, is a direct result of trust (that spirit is and will always be there for us) and intent (our choices).

I have realized that one of the important choices that I have to make in order to create abundance in my life is to let go of my feelings of victimhood. I need to trade them in for feeling blessed. This is a real challenge, because holding onto my "unblessed" feelings, onto feeling like a victim means that I am using what has happened to me to define myself, to "get" something. I get something out of doing it, but at the same time, I am also blocking abundance and replacing it with something darker. I found myself resisting letting go of my victimhood around the abrupt end of my marriage. I was no longer in active, continuous pain about it, but it felt so good to be the injured party, the good guy in opposition to my husband's "bad guy." It felt so good to have people see me that way and see him that way. It seemed so true. It was part of my present identity. I was addicted to it, the support, the seeming validation.

I see now that, rather than being helpful, being a victim disempowers me. It literally and directly displaces the abundant blessings of spirit, like a big rock in a bucket full of water. Surprisingly, I wasn't even mad at God for letting this painful thing happen. In fact, when I thought of God's role, it seems like this experience was a blessing, acts of love designed to set me free. Ultimately, then, I was holding onto victimhood, in part, because I did not recognize that I was making a trade and getting something of lesser value. If I am a victim, spirit is limited and cannot be counted on. One choice fills me with the infinite abundance of spirit, the other displace this abundance with whatever I get from telling others (or myself) about my victimhood. I cannot have both; it is either/or, so I must choose.

So I get it now. It feels sad to give up the victim version of my story, but knowing what I know now, the price of keeping it is much more than I am willing to pay.