The Fear of Being in Your Life

I survived by leaving my body. As a child, I became ingenious at being ready for "the ax to fall," poised for super-human safety measures including acting normal in crisis situations, going numb during physically painful abuse, not remembering what happened a moment before, taking blame for all disasters, and the like. I fantasized, found addictions, and became a perfectionist. I had an inner child for every possible change, forming an army within that could cope with crazy, abusive parents and unpredictable traumas.

Then, fast forward, I grew up, began a huge healing process, recovered memories, created a fabulous support system, found Inner Bonding, took tons of loving action, and Wha La, a beautiful life! Ok, that sounds way too simple but my point is that it has all come down to one thing - the moment. After deep, profound levels of understanding, healing, and emotional integration, the Now is what presents itself as the challenge. After a lifetime of saving my life, can I be in my life? All that learning, ingesting thousands of false beliefs, keeping my body on edge, running from danger, could it really be over? Could it be my craftiness has done its job, powerfully propelling me into the here and now? Is it really safe to sit still, breath, feel, listen, open, and be?

The more I learn, the clearer it gets that there is no longer anything to fix. I'm just absolutely fine as is. So that means there is nothing mandatory to get, to have, to achieve, to prove either to myself, to anyone else, or to God. To grasp this innate ok-ness is my daily challenge. It is also my road to freedom.

As an Inner Bonding counselor, I find that healing false beliefs is often about core shame. People get hurt as children, they get traumatized by neglect, loneliness, and the onslaught of attack from unconscious adults or peers. They turn against themselves in order to survive and they forget their goodness. They come to Inner Bonding sensing that a deep truth has been covered over. Though healing takes time, there is a fundamental awareness that is aching to be felt by everyone; the knowing that one's self is good.

Core shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, wrong, or unworthy of being alive. It is such a terrifying feeling that people will do almost anything not to feel it. The need to control is often an attempt to protect against this shame. We not only protect others from our badness, we work to prove to ourselves that we are not bad. This is an exhausting endeavor and most importantly, it doesn't work.

I recently spent several weeks discharging core shame. I held the parts of me who feel utterly despicable, disgusting, unlovable, ugly, and gross. My first instinct was to get angry at my inner child, to fear her self-loathing. I didn't feel capable of being with that much pain. It came down to memories of abuse but a major disconnect from Spirit was also revealed. I had to work very closely with my spiritual guidance to love the child full of shame. I had to ask and reach for the truth from my guidance about my goodness over and over, bringing light into my heart, body, and inner child. I was guided to keep my energetic frequency as high as possible through exercise, dancing, talking with friends, and writing. I used all the tools I had to invite the energy of goodness into my being. It was really a process of transforming darkness into light. It was very difficult, rigorous work but I did emerge with a whole new level of compassion for what I had lived through. I also felt new access to my creativity and a stronger sense of personal power. Best of all, my loving nature became easier to embrace and feel.

There is nothing more rewarding than looking my clients in the eye and showing them from my essence how beautiful they are. I see such individual beauty in the people I work with and am blown away by their courage and tenacity. I know that people are good. I see it, feel it, experience it. As I open to clearing my own core shame, the moment unfolds like a flower, allowing me to be present with who I truly am and who we each are.