During one of my Inner Bonding group sessions, Eunice did the following dialogue and work with me:

Loving adult: I know we are tired of being so overweight, yet we just can't seem to do anything about it. There must be a good reason that we keep this weight on.

Inner child: I don't like being fat but I'm afraid to be thin.

Loving adult: Why are you afraid?

Inner child: Because when I'm thin Jack (her husband) is always after me for sex and I don't like sex with him.

Loving adult: Can you tell me more about why you don't like sex with Jack?

Inner child: He is not nice to me a lot. He criticizes me all the time. He yells at me a lot. He withdraws from me a lot. I don't feel loved by him. He wants to have sex with me for his own needs, not because he loves me. I feel used by him. He wants me to dress up in sexy things and act in weird ways that I don't like. He wants me to watch porn movies with him and fantasize yucky things with him. I hate it. When I'm fat he stays away from me.

Dr. Margaret: It sounds like when you are thin, there is no loving adult to protect you from being used by Jack.

Inner child: That's right! She gives in to him all the time and makes me do yucky things I hate to do. I don't feel safe when I'm thin.

Loving adult: She's right. I don't know how to say no to Jack. I've been taught that it's a wife's job to satisfy her husband and that if I say no, I'm being selfish and being a bad wife. But I don't have to deal with it much when I'm fat because then Jack is not attracted to me.

Dr. Margaret: Are there other areas in your marriage where you give yourself up to Jack?

Adult: Oh yes. I do it all the time. Many times, I don't do things I want to do because he wants me to do something with him. I let him dictate how we handle our money and where we go on our vacations. Sometimes I even let him overrule me on what to do on my own birthday.

Dr. Margaret: So your child is certainly not going to trust you to take care of her regarding sex until you start taking care of her in other areas, is she?

Loving adult: I guess not.

Dr. Margaret: So it seems pointless to keep trying to lose weight until your child can trust you to protect her against being used sexually. Are you willing to start taking care of her in some other areas?

Loving adult: Yes, I am. I'm tired of feeling like this. Sometimes I think I'd rather be alone than be married to Jack, that it would be easier and feel better.

Dr. Margaret: Well, that is an option. But if you ever want a relationship, you will still have to deal with taking care of yourself. Any relationship will challenge you in this area. If you just leave, you miss an opportunity to grow into a more loving adult. This marriage is challenging you to show up for yourself. Who knows how Jack would be if you really treated yourself with respect? He might even start to respect you. And if he doesn't, you can always leave then. But why not take a chance on telling your truth and setting limits for yourself with Jack and see what happens? You might be surprised.

Loving adult: Okay. It feels scary, but I'm willing to try.

Dr. Margaret: What are you most scared of?

Inner child: I guess of being seen as a bad, selfish person.

Dr. Margaret: It sounds like your wounded self is telling you that you are a bad and selfish person if you take loving care of yourself. Please ask your guidance if this is true. 

Higher Self: You are a very kind and caring person, and taking loving care of yourself is loving to you and to Jack.

Dr. Margaret: So, one of the things you need to do as a loving adult is define yourself instead of letting others define you. Are you willing to take on that responsibility?

Loving adult: Yes.

Learning to Define her own Worth

Dr. Margaret: Good, then let's start right now. Eunice, please put your focus into your heart and again open to learning with your guidance. Ask your guidance to speak through you to your inner child, telling her the truth about who she is.

Loving adult: Okay. (Closes her eyes, breathes into her heart, silently asking for the truth. Then she opens her eyes and looks directly at the doll that represents her child). Dearest little one, you are a treasure. You are a good, kind, loving little girl. You would never deliberately hurt anyone. You have such a loving heart, and you just want everyone to be happy. You are not at all a selfish person. You never have been. It is Jack who is being selfish by expecting you to take care of him instead of taking responsibility for his own feelings. He expects you to make him feel lovable and worthy by doing what he wants, especially sexually, but that is not your job. It is loving to say no to him and give him the opportunity to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings.

Dr. Margaret: Now ask your inner child how she feels.

Loving adult: How do you feel right now?

Inner child: I like that you said that to me, but I'm not sure that you mean it. I will know you mean it when you start to say no to him and listen to me instead.

Loving adult: Okay. I'm going to do this. I have felt so desperate at times about this that I have sometimes felt like killing myself. I wouldn't really do it, but I have felt like it. I guess that's how unhappy my inner child is about this situation of me not standing up for her. I'm really going to do this.

Eunice had a great deal of courage in facing this issue, since it related to childhood issues of rejection and abuse. But as she slowly started to take better care of herself, her weight issue gradually resolved itself. 

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions, and Relationships."