When I used to travel from Durango, CO to Boulder, to visit my children and grandchildren, a wonderful Inner Bonder would pick me up at the airport and we would get to spend some time together. I was always grateful. She was open, loving, and growing, and I enjoyed sharing her growth process with her.

On my last trip there before moving near Boulder, she told me that she had found a way to stop all self-judgment when others were upset with her.

"I tell my inner child, 'It's not your fault.' As soon as I say this to her, she totally relaxes. It's amazing how often I used to tell her that others' feelings and behavior were her fault, which created so much anxiety."

I was delighted to hear this! How often would we have loved to have someone say to us, when we were little and someone was upset with us, "It's not your fault." Now, we can be the loving adult and say this to ourselves when it's appropriate. 

Discerning Fault vs. Responsibility

Of course, we need to discern the difference between when it is our responsibility and when it isn't - whether someone's upset is because of what they are telling themselves from their wounded self, or whether we have behaved in unloving ways, which caused their heartache or loneliness.

When someone is hurting because of my unloving behavior, I see it as my responsibility to make amends. Still, I don't say to my inner child, "This is your fault," because it isn't. It is never my inner child who behaves unlovingly. Nor do I say to my wounded self’ "This is your fault," because that is not loving. Instead, I say, "It is my responsibility that I behaved unlovingly, and it is my responsibility to make amends." My wounded self sees things in terms of "fault", while my loving adult thinks in terms of responsibility.

The Truth Brings Relief

It’s a big relief to our inner child to hear that others' wounded feelings are not our fault - that we don't cause others to feel anxious, depressed, angry, guilty, shamed, and so on. When I finally got this understanding, it was a huge relief to my inner child to let go of responsibility for what others were causing themselves to feel.

On the other hand, it is also a huge relief to my inner child for my loving adult to acknowledge when my wounded self has been hurtful, causing harm to someone else. It causes my inner child deep sorrow if I don't take responsibility for my own behavior with others.

While most of us never consciously intend to hurt others, our behavior when we are in our wounded self is often hurtful to others, and we need to take responsibility for the fact that our acting-out behavior often impacts others. At the same time, we need to let our inner child off the hook, as it is never that part of us - our soul essence, our inner guidance, our feeling self - who behaves unlovingly.

It is very important to take responsibility for our own intent and our actions, as well as the impact our actions have on others, and to make sure that our inner child is not blamed for what we do when we are coming from our wounded self. Which is why I was delighted when my Inner Bonding friend told me that she tells her little girl, "It's not your fault.'

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."