I was having my second session with Becky. Becky had consulted with me because she was feeling panicked over a breakup with her boyfriend. In the first session, I helped her to begin to connect with her inner child, and she felt some relief. But she started off the second session with a barrage of questions:

"Exactly how am I supposed to treat myself in order feel better? What if I'm treating myself well but others are treating me badly - what do I do? How do I know when I'm being loving to myself and when I'm being indulgent?"

All of these are actually very good questions. The problem was that Becky was shooting them at me from her head. Her wounded self wanted the answers, and she wanted them NOW! She was not, at that moment, interested in learning how to access her own answers. Instead, she had handed authority to me to give her the answers.

Her questions felt like an interrogation - like she was saying to me, "Prove to me that you know what you are talking about."

Given that I was listening to my feelings and to my guidance, as well as to her guidance, I did not step into the guru trap of answering her questions. I knew immediately that Becky wanted answers in order to control her feelings and others' feelings and actions by doing things "right", rather than to learn more about loving herself and others.

"Becky, what do you think your intent is in asking all these questions?"

"Well, I want to get this Inner Bonding stuff and you're the expert. Are you going to answer my questions or not?" she asked with a challenging tone.

"No, I'm not. But I will help you to find the answers within yourself. My job is not to give you answers, but to empower you to discover how to find your own answers. Right now, you are making me the authority over you, which is not a job that I want. Becky, please take a moment to tune inside and see how you are feeling right now."

"I'm angry at you."

"Okay, be angry at me. Let me hear it."

"I'm working with you so you can help me feel better about myself and right now you are making me feel worse."

"Now, I'm wondering if you would be willing to let your inner little girl say that very same thing to you as an adult."

"(sigh)……….Okay. You are supposed to help me feel better about myself, but you are making me feel worse."

"Becky, do you want to know how you are making your little girl feel worse?"

"I guess so. But I think it's you, not me."

"Would it be okay if I pretend to be your little girl for minute?"

"Okay."

(Me role-playing Becky's little girl) "I hate it when you do this. You do this with everyone. You go to everyone else for the answers and then you don't like what they say. I need you to be here, inside, with me. You spend all your time in your head, leaving me alone. I want to feel your heart. I want you to ask ME what makes me feel loved - not Margaret!"

Becky was silent.

"Becky," I said gently, "When your daughter was little, did you keep on trying to get someone else to take care of her, or did you like taking care of her."

"I loved taking care of her."

"That's what your inner little girl needs from you right now. She needs you to ask questions from your heart, with a genuine desire to learn about what she needs - rather than questions from your head in order to try to have control over doing it 'right.' You might want to start noticing that when you shoot questions at people, your inner child feels abandoned by you. How are you feeling right now?"

"Actually, I'm feeling peaceful right now. I think the light bulb just went on!"

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."