Shock and Loss: My Story of Divorce

Shock and Loss:  My Story of Divorce 

(It’s Still the Beginning)

This is my letter to everyone.

What is it about me and trauma and pain (and the possibility of awakening from it) that causes me to want to share it with the entire world? It is just who I am. And, I like this about me. Nothing hidden. Nothing secret. We are all in this together. It is the human experience.

Dear EVERYONE,

I hope that you are well and flourishing in your life. I know that there is a lot going on in the world around us, and as usual, a lot that continues to go on inside of each of us and in our personal lives.

As for me, I am in the middle of a very sudden “conscious uncoupling” from my husband of 25 years.

On one hand, this separation is loving and kind. It is clearly for the highest good, and provides the spaciousness for me to reflect upon and heal the dysfunctional patterns that led to our separation. It is also an incredible opportunity for me to venture into the unknown--like Frodo or Bilbo Baggins heading into the wilderness; like Arjuna picking up the bow and arrow and going into battle; or like any one of us who has found the courage to live boldly and authentically, as we have never done before.

On the other hand, this uncoupling has been destabilizing and shocking for me, bringing with it feelings of sadness, grief, anger, rage, betrayal, confusion, grasping, shame, loneliness, isolation and terror. Most nights I still wake in confusion and fear, wondering, How did this happen? Is this real? How will I survive? And, What will become of me?

When my attention returns to the present moment and to my body, the pain in my stomach is so intense at times that I wonder if I will survive the purely physical experience of loss. I don’t think I ever understood before the sensation of churning and burning, twisting and writhing that others have described when they have lost a spouse or a child, or when they, like me, found themselves in some other situation of immense shock or loss:

• a divorce or break-up
• a betrayal
• an experience or memory or sudden flooding of memories of abuse or dehumanization
• coming out of the aftermath of addiction--yours or someone else’s
• a recognition of the need to leave an unhealthy relationship, family, religion or cult
• a loss of a pet
• a loss of work or career or life path
• an experience of being a single parent, with little support from family or friends
• a loss of health or cognitive functioning
• a loss of emotional or hormonal balance
• a loss of limbs or physical movement
• a loss of physical beauty or strength
• a loss of health, cognition, physical capacity or well being for someone that you know or care for:

a parent or spouse

a child

a good friend

• a loss of identity or sense of self
• a loss of a therapist, mentor or confidant
• a move into a different stage of life with all that it entails:

graduating or leaving home and feeling the loss of a safety net

becoming an empty nester after years of bonding and closeness with your children

retirement

menopause

old age

• a loss of home or financial security
• a loss of a way of life
• a loss of real or perceived safety

And, then there are the losses that we sometimes experience, like the loss of home or property, loved ones or pets from increasing natural disasters like the fires, floods, earthquakes, hurricanes and tornadoes.

And, of course, we can no longer deny the tragic and unnecessary pain and loss that result from our dysfunctional social, political and other systems. Built out of fear, greed, habit and unconsciousness, these structures result in losses of life, family, community, culture, livelihood, sense of safety, worth and wholeness for our friends and loved ones in other parts of the world that make our troubles seem pale in comparison.

And, yet, we cannot ignore the microcosm of our personal experience, because as we each turn towards the tragedies and difficulties that are ours to face, we become more able to acknowledge and face the pain of the world and to shine our light into the darkness.

There are so many ways in which, whether slowly, over time or swiftly and suddenly, each of us experiences great loss. The ways are countless. As I recall my years of Zen Buddhist training, I realize, truly, that loss is happening in each and every moment. The inhale I am taking right now will never come again. The body that I inhabit today will not be the same body that I am living in tomorrow or next week or next year. Change is inevitable, and good, really, if we think about it. How would it be if we stayed seven years old for the rest of our lives? If change didn’t happen, nothing would happen. Nothing could be. None of us could grow and bloom and become who we were meant to be. We may not notice the changes that are happening in each moment, but they are happening.

And, yet, some changes feel so devastating that for me, I wish for things to stay the same. The breathtaking sunset I witnessed on June 26th on a bike ride with my husband, and the tenderness of the conversation we had about why our uncoupling was necessary, that moment will never come again. The day that I met my husband and had the spiritual experience of bowing to him and saying, “How many thousands of years has it been since I’ve seen you?”--that experience is a memory now, as are all the more mundane moments of eating meals, lying in bed or sitting in meditation together, hiking in the mountains with our dogs, helping each other through difficult times, crying together, laughing together, and just hanging out and feeling comfortable and at ease with one another. Those moments will never come again, at least not in the same way.

And, so some of the questions that have been arising for me during these days are questions like, How, then, shall I live? How do I survive? How do I get through today? How do I open my heart when I feel so much pain? How do I stay in the present moment? How do I remember who I am? How do I stay above the fray--the judgment, the feelings of victimization, the blame and shame and condemnation, the desire to control life, the fear, the joining with others to ally against someone else? How do I use this experience to become more of who I really am instead of less of who I really am? How do I use it to refine myself and become like a mirror that glistens when the sun shines upon it and reflects light and beauty out into the world?

How do I find the balance between feeling my feelings and falling into despair? Between turning my attention to the good things around me, without spiritually bypassing and ignoring my pain? How do I navigate spiritual truths, like “my soul contract with my husband needed to end”, and balance them with physical and emotional truths, experiences and concerns, like, “I wasn’t ready for this”, “I didn’t want a divorce”, “How am I going to make money and survive”, and the shock, stress, lack of sleep, anxiety, panic, and periodic sense of unraveling that my physical system has had to endure?

Finding skillful and loving answers to questions like these has always been a large part of my sense of purpose in life. And, living on this razor’s edge of the tension of opposites--between the spiritual and the human, between what is and what can be, between what is real from one perspective and what is real from another perspective--is what I have always been about. It is what I have attempted to teach and share and model through my Inner Bonding facilitation. It is what I have attempted to learn in my daily life. And, it is what I am being called to master in the face of the most painful loss that I have gone through in this human incarnation.

Just in the short time that I have been going through this uncoupling with my husband, my compassion for others has increased a hundredfold. My capacity for taking charge of my life has strengthened. And, my courage to take risks and to face the unknown has been immense. Although I experience sadness, grief and moments of panic every day, my Inner Child is excited for this new beginning. She has been waiting for the day when I would finally turn my eyes completely to her and realize that she, not my husband or anyone else, is my “one and only”, that my happiness can’t be found “out there” in someone else or in something else, but that it is found within. My worth, my value, my safety, my comfort, they all come from “in here.”

One of the ways in which my Inner Child wants to express is through my passion for Inner Bonding and for modeling, teaching and mentoring others around what it means to “no longer willing to be out of alignment with the core of one’s being”. Now that I have all this free time on my hands, my little girl is excited about joining with others who are interested in removing the blocks to the expression of our truest, most authentic and whole selves.

If you would like to join me in any of my ventures, please register for one of my offerings under Events (Intensives and Support Groups) on the Inner Bonding Website, or go to my website at https://corequest.online/.

Much love and blessings to each of you who is reading this. I know your journey is rich with experience, emotion, insight and growth. You may be in the best of times or the worst of times. And, wherever you are, know that you are not alone.