Lisa, like many of us, grew up with parents who completely avoided their feelings with addictions and other forms of self-abandonment, and she was repeatedly discouraged from feeling her feelings. Because her parents didn’t role model managing their own emotions, because they didn’t know how, Lisa never learned how to take responsibility for hers. As a result, she was very afraid to feel her feelings, believing that they would overwhelm her.

"I just can't handle my feelings," she said in one of our phone sessions. "They are too intense for me. So I buy things instead. And it's getting to be a huge problem because I'm getting into major debt, which is causing me a lot of anxiety. And the more anxious I feel, the more I spend. I don't know how to get out of this vicious cycle. From reading your articles on the Inner Bonding site, I realize that I'm deeply addicted to spending - and to food and wine and anger. I use all of these when intense feelings come up that I know I can't handle."

What Are the Feelings You Might Try Hard to Avoid?

"Lisa, do you know what the feelings are that you are avoiding?"

"No. I've tried to figure that out and I can't seem to get to it."

As we explored further, it became evident that Lisa was avoiding the most difficult feelings to feel:

• Helplessness over others, situations, and outcomes
• Loneliness
• Heartache, heartbreak, or grief

Lisa discovered that she got angry whenever she felt helpless over others and situations. She would eat, drink, and spend when she felt the loneliness that comes from not having others to connect with, or not being able to connect with the people she was with. When people were mean to her or to others, her heart hurt.

"Yes, those are the feelings that I can't handle. I think I feel lonely on and off throughout the day. "

"Lisa, I also feel lonely on and off throughout the day. Probably most people do without being aware of it. This is a feeling from life, as opposed to the wounded feelings that we create by our own thoughts and actions. Many people have many addictive ways of avoiding their feelings, and most people have no idea that they are avoiding their feelings with their addictions."

"What am I supposed to do when I feel these feelings?" 

There is a powerful way of managing these painful emotions:

• You need to be conscious of what you are feeling. You need to practice getting out of your head and getting present in your body. Staying in your head is another addictive way of avoiding feelings.
• Once you are aware of the feeling, you need to acknowledge it by naming it, simply saying, preferably out loud, "I'm feeling lonely right now," or "My heart hurts right now," or "Right now, I'm feeling that awful feeling of helplessness over someone or over an outcome."
• Open to compassion for the feeling. Imagine holding your inner child - being present with him or her with deep compassion for the feeling. Sit with the feeling for a few minutes, breathing deeply into the feeling, being fully present with compassion. Visualize your guidance holding you while you hold your inner child.
• Ask what this feeling is telling you about a person or situation.
• Ask your guidance what would be a loving action toward yourself with this person or in this situation, and then take the loving action.
• Ask spirit to take the painful feeling from you and replace it with acceptance and peace. Imagine the feeling flowing out of your body and going into spirit, while the feelings of peace and acceptance are flowing in.

You will discover that when you fully embrace your feelings with kindness, tenderness, and gentleness, you will learn what they are telling you and be able to release them fairly rapidly. This is what will enable you to heal your addictions, as you will no longer need them to avoid your painful feelings.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."