Michael and Sharon had been married for 12 years when Michael consulted with me regarding the sexual problems they were having.

"I seem to always want sex and Sharon never seems to want sex. This has been causing a problem in our relationship for the whole time we have been married."

"So this was a problem from the very beginning of the relationship?"

"Yes. Neither of us had much sexual experience before meeting each other. We both thought it would get better in time, but it hasn't. And it is causing a lot of conflict."

As Michael and I explored what was going on in their relationship, it became apparent that there were two aspects to this problem:

1. Michael was sexually addicted. That is, he used sex as a way to take away feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, emptiness, loneliness, fear, and stress. He came to Sharon as needy little boy, which Sharon did not find at all erotic. Sex had become a control issue for Michael.
    
2. Sharon had a very low sex drive. She never thought about sex, never felt any sexual desire, and could very well live her life without sex. Michael was quite sure that Sharon had never had an orgasm - at least not with him.

The combination of these two issues was creating a very big problem for Michael and Sharon.

Michael and I worked on his neediness, his sexual addiction, and his wanting control over Sharon having sex with him. He worked hard to learn how to fill himself up and take loving care of himself, so that he was not needy and controlling when he was with Sharon. Michael began to feel much happier, and he and Sharon started to feel more emotionally intimate
 

However, their sex life was still almost non-existent.

Sharon felt slightly inclined toward sex once a month, but even then, it was not something she sought out. I suggested to Michael that it was time for Sharon to be involved in our sessions - if she was willing.

Sharon was willing. She had been feeling badly about her lack of sexual desire for a long time - mainly because she loved Michael and wanted him to be happy. She felt closer to him now that he was no longer pulling on her with his neediness, and she wanted to have more desire for sex
 

I worked with Sharon on two levels - physical and emotional.

On the physical level, I asked her to get her hormones tested. It turned out that there was a hormonal imbalance contributing to her low sex drive, and she found natural remedies to deal with this.

Sharon had grown up in a sexually repressed household. In her mind, sex was not something that a "good" girl desired or enjoyed. She was never allowed to touch herself and had never learned to reach orgasm by herself. Between the reading I suggested to her and the work we did in sessions, Sharon was able to overcome the fears and beliefs that she grew up with, and finally learned to reach orgasm. This made a big difference in her desire to have sex with Michael.

Sharon now finds herself desiring sex around once a week and is able to enjoy sex with Michael at other times as well. Because Michael is no longer needy and controlling with Sharon, she is no longer resistant. While there will always be a difference between Michael's desire for sex and Sharon's - as there is with many couples - they have found a comfortable balance that works for both of them.

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