We have all been brought up to believe that different externals are responsible for our happiness and safety. I was raised to believe that happiness and safety came from being in a relationship, from having good things happen, and from having control over the good things happening. My parents were not into things like houses, cars, or toys, so I never learned to connect my happiness with things. But lots of people do.

For example, Allen connects his happiness to people, things, and outcomes. As a result, he is constantly pulling on others for attention and approval. He is addicted to buying things and his garage is cluttered with his toys. And he can't be happy until he "finds the perfect job," and "makes more money." Because he connects his happiness and safety to all these externals, he is always trying to have control over getting what he wants. Trying to have control keeps him from being in the moment, which is where real happiness and safety exists.
 

Our wounded self is often very attached to a "project," such as:

• Once I have a partner (or a different partner), then I will be happy.
• Once I have enough money, then I will be happy.
• Once I have the perfect house (or car, or motorcycle, or swimming pool, etc.), then I will be happy.
• Once I have a baby, then I will be happy.
• Once I lose weight, then I will be happy.
• Once I have the right job, then I will be happy.
• Once I move out of this city, then I will be happy.
• Once I have plastic surgery, then I will be happy.

As long as you believe that your happiness and safety are connected to something external, you will not be happy now. And there will always be something else - a different partner, more money, a different place to live, a different job - that will keep you from being happy now.
 

Are you resistant to being happy now?

If you are, this might be because your wounded self is unconsciously saying, "Having control over getting what I believe will make me happy is what's important. I refuse to be happy until I have what I want!"

Yet I've worked with many hundreds of people who have it all - the relationship, the children, the things, the money, being thin - and still do not feel happy or safe.
 

What really creates happiness and safety?

Happiness and safety are an inside job. The feelings of happiness and safety are the result of being present with yourself, with spirit, with others, and with nature. Happiness and a sense of safety are the result of being loving and compassionate with ourselves - taking loving care of our own feelings and needs in the moment. Happiness is the result of sharing love with others - with people and animals. Happiness is the result of being in the moment and experiencing the beauty of a flower, a tree, the clouds, a sunset. Happiness is being grateful for what you are and the sacred privilege of evolving your soul in love, rather than focusing on what you don't have.

Feeling safe results from taking loving action for yourself - standing up for yourself, speaking your truth, and practicing Inner Bonding throughout the day. We feel safe within when we operate as a loving adult taking physical, organizational, emotional, spiritual, financial, and relational responsibility for ourselves.
 

As long as you believe that your happiness and safety come from outside you, happiness and an inner sense of safety will elude you.

Every moment that you look to people, things, events, and outcomes to make you happy and safe is a moment of life lost. Every moment spent trying to control someone or something in the hopes of getting what you believe will make you happy is a moment of happiness and joy lost. Every moment spent projecting into the future with the thoughts of, "When I have _____, then I will be happy," is a present moment of joy not experienced.

Happiness is not something that happens to you. It is something you choose or don't choose each moment. Today, choose to be aware of what you are attaching your happiness to. Choose to quiet the thoughts of your wounded self about what you believe you need externally to feel happy and safe. Choose to move into love and compassion for yourself and others, and gratitude for what you are. Discover your happiness in this present moment.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."