Do You Use Inner Bonding to "Fix" Yourself?

When many of us embark on the personal and spiritual growth path, we think that we have found our ticket.  We have found the way to fix all of our problems so that we can finally be happy and have all the wonderful things in life that we have been missing.  So, we start to use Inner Bonding or many of the other tools available in our self-help world, and we go about the work of changing and fixing ourselves so that we can be happy. 

We don’t realize that in switching from overeating to meditating, from love addiction to yoga, and from trying to control others to practicing Inner Bonding, that we are often still in control strategies.  It’s just that our new control strategies have become less obvious to us because they are hidden right in the midst of our personal and spiritual growth practices themselves.

The most common control strategy I have found myself engaging in while doing my Inner Bonding process is the strategy of trying to “fix” something in myself.  At these times, I am often very aware of what I “want”.  I want to be happy.  I want a more honest relationship with a family member. I want better health.  I want more peace in my life.  I want things to be easier.  Because I want good things, I don’t notice at first quite what I am doing.  My process seems innocent.  I think I am in the intention to learn.  But, if I tune in to my feelings, I will notice that I am actually trying to bypass my feelings and go straight for the prize.

I may have begun my Inner Bonding process to look at anxiety over a work situation, frustration at my husband, or sadness about a loss.  But, right here, right now, as I am using the Inner Bonding process itself and wanting things in my life to be “good” and “better”, I can tune in to a deeper layer of control, one that is trying to escape my notice.  I think I want something good.  But, this doesn’t feel so good.

If I am willing to be open to this subtle layer of feeling and ask my Inner Child about it, she may just have something to say that will change my life and my relationship with her forever.  So, I have asked:  “Inner Child, what am I doing or saying that’s making you feel pressured inside?”  And, she has responded:   “You are using Inner Bonding to try to FIX me right now, and fixing me is not the same as loving me!”

Here’s an example:

Let’s say I’m really feeling anxious.  I tell myself that I am in the intention to “learn” because it is true that I really want to feel better.  But, at a subtle level, I don’t really want to love myself, nor do I want to learn about how I am causing this anxiety.  I just want the painful feeling to go away.  Maybe there’s something important that I need to do, but I can’t do it because this feeling is in the way.  Maybe I am afraid of being judged by someone I’m about to see.  Or, maybe my Wounded Self is really afraid to make the changes we need to make in our relationship.  She wants to stay in our old control strategies.  But, I am not willing to turn toward her and talk to her about her false beliefs.  Instead, I try to “fix” the feeling so that I can “move on”. 

I do Inner Bonding, but I don’t really get much from my Inner Child.  This is because she knows that I’m not really listening to her, and she can always feel this.  She knows when I am using Inner Bonding to try to fix and control her.  If I am willing to simply turn toward her, just for a moment, in true lovingness, she will feel loved, and she will relax.  But, if wanting the painful feeling to go away is more important to me than loving myself, and I try to “make” it happen, my Inner Child will not relax, and she will feel abandoned by me once again.  My choice must be for love and only love.

Over the years, my Inner Child and I have had many conversations about this “fixing” energy that I, and most people I know, can get caught in.  My Inner Child has told me how painful it feels when I try to fix her.  And, she has drawn a clear line in the sand between my choice to LOVE her and every other possible thing under the sun.  She has told me that I have to be willing to give up everything—even my idea of happiness—in order to simply love her.  They seemed so close to me—the desire to be happy and the desire to love my Inner Child—and at times they can be one and the same.  But, she will always know the difference.  She will feel it.  And, if you are willing, you can feel it, too. 

So, I invite you…

The next time you are doing your Inner Bonding process, the next time you are preparing your healthy meal, doing your meditation, your yoga or your exercise—notice what your subtle intention is.  Are you doing it because you believe that in order to be happy, something in you needs to change?  Or, are you doing it because you recognize that the radiant light that you are deserves your love?  The choice is yours—and it lies in your intention. 

When you feel stuck or confused in your Inner Bonding process or in any of your self-help practices, stop.  Return to Step #2 of the Inner Bonding process right then and there.  And, just notice.  Can you deepen into the intention to learn about loving yourself?

Karen Kral is a licensed psychotherapist who offers Inner Bonding Intensives and Workshops in the Boulder, Colorado area.  Please check out www.corequestpotential.com for information on Karen’s upcoming intensives and workshops, or see the 5-Day Intensives, 3-Day, and Weekend Workshop headings on the Events page of the Inner Bonding website.  Karen lives just outside of Boulder with her husband, Mark Lersch, who is also a Certified Facilitator of Inner Bonding.