Monologue? or Dialogue?

The other day I was driving to work when I noticed my analyzing of a relationship...arguing both sides and even going to far as to answer for the other person. However, I felt the pressure building up inside of me and anxiety along with a little bit of anger. That was a flag for me to stop, breathe and look inside a little deeper with compassion and curiosity. As I was taking in my first breath, I clearly heard my guidance say, “Suzi, you are having a monologue where a dialogue should be taking place....in fact, there are times you are having a monologue and forget to have a dialogue with me.” 

How often do you have a conversation inside your head wounded self to wounded self? How would you know? Check in with your physical body....your physical body always has information for you. If I am feeling anxious, angry, depressed, overwhelmed...I am coming from a fear based place within my body. My first reaction when coming from fear is to protect in a myriad of ways...and in this place no learning can take place. However, if I can move toward compassion, acceptance of “what is” in the moment and I am expressing myself from the most loving part of my being....I can open to learning...open to what I am saying and doing that is causing the discomfort. The discomfort is there as a message, no more....no less that I am coming from a fear based space. From fear, more fear is created. From love, more love is created.

So I spoke to my guidance, “Wow! I never thought about it that way before. I’ve been having monologues for years...no wonder why there are so many communication difficulties. I am having whole conversations....well monologues really....how can I learn anything if I make myself both sides. There can be no discoveries....no learning....I’ve made myself an authority over others....over you my guidance....Holy moly....for goodness sakes, this has been a part of my morning drive for years.”

“Yes, yes it has and I’m glad you opened enough with the question....is there a better way to know what to do next?....you were trying to make decisions about a relationship without including the other person....and control them and your feelings by analyzing rather than having a conversation. Yes it’s scary that someone might react, shut down, disappear in a conversation....but wouldn’t you rather have that kind of information before making decision?”

I am aware of my tendency to have conversations that only include my wounded self. I realize I have had them at intensives sitting in front of Margaret....reporting, explaining, defending....not even inviting the work in....continuing the monologue in my head. However, last year on Long Island, when it was clear my monologue was not getting me any closer to my essence....I opened in my heart and asked “Please show me what I am doing....let me know what it looks like because I can’t stand to be stuck here another moment.” In that holy instant....I heard my guidance say, “you felt a connection, and then you felt fear....you believe that only through control can you remain connected to another person....take a look at all of your interactions with others....(a vision of polaroid pictures fanning out like a deck of cards appeared in my mind’s eye) Can you see how each time you tried to control something you were afraid of loss? Sweetie, you can’t control loss....but you can embrace all loss with love. That’s what you were just doing with Margaret....you felt a moment of connection....and immediately you tried to control the connection....let go Suzi and see what happens. I am right here in your heart, just return here and ask when you feel fear....move to the most loving part of yourself and let  go...and see what happens.” I looked up at Margaret and said, “I felt a connection with you, and in a flash I was trying to control it.” I felt relief as I let go of being told I was right, or on the right track because my whole body knew the truth. My body let me know that this was an awakening....and not one I could have discovered had I continued as a monologue with my wounded self, but was possible once willing to be in dialogue with my guidance. 

It was the memory of this intensive that continues to bring me lessons, deeper layers of a simple truth. I matter, I am above no one and I am beneath no one. I am here to share love and truth with others. When I forget because I’ve been triggered by fear, forgotten this truth, I move into control and conversations become one sided, a monologue, a run on sentence about me and my troubles, and I don’t ask questions when I’m trying to control....at least not questions to others including my guidance. My wounded self likes to build a fortress, a make decisions based in foolish dialogues....foolish because there is no dialogue taking place....no opening for new information. I know this is happening even when my wounded self is being clever....because my body will be tense, my brain begins to feel like spaghetti and I become anxious. Now I can breathe in and know it is time to ask a question of my guidance, and trust that the answer will come if I am asking from a compassionate and open heart. The word courage comes to mind, and you would think it would be courage of the essence....but that already exists....it is the courage of the wounded self to believe for a moment that the loving adult has a better path.

When going through your six step Inner Bonding process, how often are you stuck in a monologue when a dialogue would set you free?