Pick Me! Pick Me!

Many of us are searching....searching without knowing exactly what we are looking for. Often we seek this through validation from others whether in gym class for a team....out on a date.....a job interview....are you aware of the energy that you are extending? Are you aware of your intention and your very good reasons for your actions and your beliefs? Have you made someone's choice of you more important than your own valuation of yourself?

I know I valued being picked more than I valued being happy and as a result was married and divorced three times by the age of 39. I thought I was making poor choices rather than choosing to make them responsible for my happiness. I thought being picked meant:

         I am special and valued.

         I am attractive therefore I have value.

         I am smart therefore I have value.

         I am nice therefore I have value.

         but above all I was picked, and only then I have value.

So three times in marriage and countless other times I offered myself up to another to "make me happy"....until one day it was very clear the only common denominator in the string of unhappy, unfulfilling relationships was ME! OMG! Maybe it was me? The horror of this awareness led me down a heavy path of judgment rather than taking responsibility for myself. I had been judging others, when clearly I was the one trying to make them responsible for my happiness...aka giving myself away. The horror....I proceeded to make myself wrong for my behavior rather than be present with my feelings of aloneness in my self abandonment.

Now I had to face that being picked by the "right one" was never going to bring me happiness. In fact Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul state "Should you be fortunate enough to find someone who manages to diminish the feeling of loneliness, you will then begin worrying about keeping your relationship with this person. You've managed to compound the issue by avoiding the problem." I, in fact was lucky to not be chosen by the "right one"....as it was my soul's lesson to learn to pick myself.

I have been having varying dreams along the same line...I see a line up of various aspects of my personality...their good reasons why they exist. I am trying to fill them up so that they may each take part in an area of my life. There is the mom, the girlfriend, the business owner, the facilitator, the yoga dance teacher, the sister and daughter....and the dog person and the cat person....the giggly girl and the serious one....each not really attached to my essence at all. Each one trying to be the perfect role to be chosen as I have been trying to prove my value through how many times, by how many people I have been chosen. Seeing my value rise and fall just like the stock market. "Whoa", I thought as I woke up....no wonder why I feel burnt out some weeks....I've spent a tremendous amount of energy trying to be picked.

My guidance said "Now that you see this Suzi, you can make another choice....could you let go of your roles, even some aspects of them and choose to be connected to your essence instead?"

"Really?", I said, "won't there be a lot of resistance....if not from my wounded self...others that are used to me playing my part?"

Guidance said, "You have a loving adult...why not take her out for a spin...it's been what you've been wanting to do...why don't you pick you first and stop waiting to be picked."

"Novel idea," I said with a smirk...and asked my kid, "how does this feel ?"

"I thought you would never ask" she said with a smile a mile wide.

The truth is my wounded self is the part that knows I am unhappy...and doesn't know how to create happiness. Happiness isn't created, but discovered when I have let go of other people's definitions of me....when I let go of playing a role in order to get picked by another person. Happiness, joy, love and peace are a decision away....Pick me! Pick me! said my little one....and so I did!