If I Could I Would

I can hear Margaret's voice saying...."Honey, if I could give you the love you are seeking I would." There is so much truth, and through my own process, and my work with others I now have experienced the same. I would give healing away every day...open people's hearts and change their experience of life.....if I could.

I realize that no matter where I look for relief from the boogie men (my ongoing dialogue) that live in my head. I'm the only one that has the power to transform them....transform the energy used in their production. I recognize the "I'm taking my ball and going home.....I'll find someone else who loves me....you don't understand me" thoughts of the wounded self are really information on my map and not condemnation of myself or another person....unless of course I want to indulge that part. Believing that if I indulge it people or a particular person will feel bad for me and "fix it".

There is no fixing needed, just awareness....being awake. When awake I can see things for what they are, and I can consciously choose love, kindness and learning no matter how it lines us with what my ego thinks it needs. When I am seeing the world through an open heart I can learn, feel safe, express my essence in a way that brings joy to myself and to others.

When I am closed, and in protection...I do not feel safe and I can find no comfort. I have sought comfort in other people, love stories with happy endings, buying clothes or eating comfort food. I can hear Margaret's voice saying...."Honey, if I could give you the love you are seeking I would." The truth is when my heart is closed, no love can enter...no learning can occur....no safety to be found. No one can open my heart but me, and without an open heart I cannot feel. I may think that closing my heart protects me....but what it really does it imprison me. I'm shutting the door to my own prison cell when I close my heart. I sometimes forget I am the accuser, the accused, the warden and the prisoner. When my intention is to protect, this is my experience.

So rather than judge the choice to close....lovingly open the door to the feelings, the beliefs and the thoughts with compassion. Judgment shut you down, let compassion open you back up....whether it be with music, a walk in nature, a loving kindness meditation....finding your opening.....remember a loving moment, one that made you laugh....find that opening to your heart....because only you can do this. Believe me I've tried to get others to love me enough....and it was never enough. I tried to love people enough to help them open.....and it was never enough. It was never enough because I was trying to open the prison cell with the wrong key in each of these examples.

So why not look at "stuck" as information as well instead of falling into despair....falling into the belief that there is nothing you can do. The information of "stuck" is I'm trying to control something....my mood, other people, outcomes, etc. Instead of judging control, see it as information on your map. There must be something underneath....get curious....."what could it be?"

Ask "am I seeking the answer in someone or something else?" "How do I feel as I am seeking this outside of me?" Get to know that feeling....that feeling will let you know where you are. All this work of Inner Bonding reminds me of the game Operation in which the box has a patient, and you go in with tweezers to pick out the parts. If you hit the sides it buzzes to let you know that you need to start over. The buzz can be seen as a jolt to the system....an awakening of the voice that says "You did it wrong" or it could just be seen as feedback and you go in and try again. Our feelings can be seen this way too....I can judge or view my feelings as information....I get to choose my own view.

So the next time you find yourself looking for your answers in another person, another purchase or another cookie, check in....How am I feeling? What is my intention in this moment? Am I open to learning or am I trying to open my heart with someone or something else's?