Nobody Right, Nobody Wrong

"Conflict each and everyday, at home and in the street, and in my soul in every way. Its hard to keep the faith when it feels so far away. Times I feel connected, times I'm runnin' away." -Michael Franti  Nobody Right, Nobody Wrong

            I love the words to this song, as they remind me of the importance of compassion in learning with others. Often "right" and "wrong" are labels the wounded self attaches to others actions to prove its case, and in the end, just as the song states, nobody is right and nobody is wrong. Therein lies the truth, and without the labels of "right" and "wrong", it boils down to "am I being responsible?" or "am I avoiding responsibility?"

            I became very aware of my own wounded self wishing to make these declarations as I was facing a transition in my life. My sister, her husband and four dogs returned from Sicily to the United States, and particularly my sister returned to the office. A part of me was happy for her return, she had seemed so very sad and disappointed that her life in Italy was not what she had expected. In the process, her husband had given up his green card, causing them a great deal of expense, stress and strain to return. The moment had arrived, and they were coming home and in particular spending a week with me at my house.

            Transitions are tough, especially if you are not aware, or are unwilling to accept the pangs of discomfort as information, rather than judging them as wrong. It was my dog, who normally is quick to show her soft underbelly was voicing her discomfort with a low growl, that made me check in with a knot in my solar plexus. I moved into judgment, and actually blamed another relationship for this discomfort. How could I be upset with my sister's return? Didn't that make me a selfish person?

            To add to the discomfort, she arrived at the office and began to spread her nervous energy, and shift the office to making her the center again. She had arrived. Yet, I was unwilling to acknowledge the difficulty, and the pang in my solar plexus, and unwilling to see it was me and my unwillingness to feel the grief of the loss of my routines, my relationships within the office were changing. I wanted to blame someone for my discomfort rather than open to my feelings, so at first I blamed the man I am dating, and quickly moved to my sister and her husband. That didn't last more than an hour when I heard my sister say, "I miss Sicily. The sunshine, the pasta, the fresh vegetables." Instead I heard Guidance say, "it isn't anyone's fault for the discomfort, change has both joyful and painful moments...your knot is you being unwilling to feel the grief of change...as your sister did not factor in feeling a loss after moving back home." Ahhhhhhhh, I thought to myself, when anyone is unwilling to feel the feeling it gets stuck, and in my case in my gut.

            Awareness and compassion for the feelings is the beginning of change not only for me, but for my new relationship with my sister. At that moment I could have compassion for the part of her that was unwilling to embrace the difficult feelings, and love her right where she was. In that shift in my own compassion allowed new conversations, new discussions from open hearts...that little bit of compassion helped her open her heart. It made a significant shift in our interactions as the work week was completed.

            In New England we have clear evidence of transitions with the changing of the seasons, each with its ending and new beginnings. My sister had spent 3 1/2 years away in Sicily, a new country, a new language(even beyond Italian) and a new way of being. I think a part of her did not think that coming back home would require that many transitions. She knew how to live at home, didn't she? I knew how to be in a relationship with my sister at home, didn't I? Those assumptions do not allow for the change, like a season to have its ends and new beginnings.

            It is denial that causes the deeper suffering and often confusion. In the space of denial of my own pain, I make my sister wrong for any of her discomfort. I make her selfish. I tell myself stories, painful stories about my sister, rather than feel my pain. However, when I attend to my own difficult feelings with compassion, my heart softens and opens to see my sister and her pangs with compassion as well. I could then see I could be loving to us both.

            I get it. Breathing space, checking in and not out allows me to move past my quick conclusions about who my sister is but also allows me to gather my feelings as information.  Allows the information to let go of "right" and "wrong" and allows me to feel supported in my discomfort. Compassion is the key to building deeper relationships with ourselves and with others.