The Light of a Burning Bridge

I've been stumblin' through the darkness

Tryin' to feel the ground beneath my feet

Afraid of movin' much in any direction

Stuck where the past and the future meet

.....it's amazing what a man can see by the light of a burnin' bridge -George Strait

            As I was preparing my titles for my chats a month ago...this song began playing in my head....so I wrote it down as a topic...not sure where it would lead. So I started asking the question...are there bridges that are meant to be burned? I allowed the question to sit out there...and in the end...my Guidance said "yes"....but the bridges being burned were internal bridges to automatic responses...the wiring that fear had produced in my body that had become more powerful than the mind that created it. I had lived 49 of my 50 years in fear of everything. Living in this constant state of "what do others think of me?" ..."what if something 'bad' happens?" "oh no....I can't handle this".... and a big one "I am not enough...not important"...the stories of fear were automatic...with or without being aware of the actual stories.

      When I first learned to move into my body I became aware of the constant rapid beating of my heart from the first jolt of good morning into the wee hours until my exhausted body would sink into teeth grinding and nightmares. I tried quieting the heart with breathing, meditation, yoga, listening to music....then when that didn't work....eating...drinking...calling friends...watching television...even as I began my Inner Bonding process, except for now I was moving into awareness of my habits and how they were tied to automatic responses.

            In the book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: HOW TO LOSE YOUR MIND AND CREATE A NEW ONE (Dr. Joe Dispenza) I found the answers to some of the whys...Why were some habits more difficult to change than others? Why did I wake up in the middle of a habit sometimes rather than before? The answers surprised me. The answers gave me the back up for why Inner Bonding is such a powerful process. Some people are masters, but masters of being angry, depressed and my emotion of choice, anxious. My body knew how to do anxious without my much effort...in fact my body had become wired for anxiety. The brain creates connections with our emotions to our bodies, and if we practice the same emotion repeatedly it becomes a part of daily function...automatic...a programmed aspect of our wounded self personality. The body takes over before the mind has had a chance to decide...the body knows and practices anxiety.

            The key is creating the space for awareness, and letting go of judgment. Being aware that it took many hours of practice to master "anxiety" and that I can accept through my intent I chose to practice anxiety rather than feel the uncomfortable core feelings of loneliness, heartache, heartbreak and grief. If it was my intent that created the connections, then through intent I could break the connections that were not serving me and create new healthier habits of being in my body and connected to my feelings...allowing the information to create new wiring...so that being present would be a choice that was more comfortable in my body....so that a challenge could bring about a sense of excitement at the possibility of learning something new.

            The trick was how would I find the way to that gap between awareness and action. How can I become the observer of my thoughts without judging them or trying to change them? How can I move from the space of action without awareness of my intent...to consciously choosing my intent in each moment? For me it happened in two parts...part one was being aware of my habit of judgment...not just of others but clearly of myself. I had to choose to become intimate with the aspect of my personality that was running the show day in and day out. I first tried to make it go away with logic...."oh this isn't working for me...just stop"....except I failed to realize how much I had practiced judgment that it was built into my operating system...both my body and my mind. I needed a practice of bringing this program to the surface to my awareness. In doing so I had to be willing to feel all the feelings that were a result of the judgment as well as the feelings the judgment had been trying to suppress. It wasn't pretty, but I knew in my heart this was the beginning of love.

            The second part was to access compassion. Compassion that helped me hold all of those emotions without having to change them, but accepting them as they presented themselves. Compassion allows the judgment to ease...there isn't anything to defend if compassion is asking to learn. Compassion does not ask for things, people or feelings to be different....compassion softens the gaze so that the resistance to seeing lets go of its grip and allows information to flow. As I become the observer of this information rather than re-acting to it....I have a moment where I can choose my intention in the gap....before choosing an action. My intent is what will drive my actions...in this awareness I can choose love over fear. I can rewire my body to seek loving actions and practice love....a new way of being....wiring a new personality within me that aligns my personality to my essence and in that space I feel peace, joy and fullness.

            With awareness and compassion on my side, I decided to move back to the question at the beginning....what are the bridges that are meant to be burned? As I asked an uncomfortable feeling was rising up within me....and so uncomfortable was this feeling I felt my old habits surfacing .... firing all cylinders of my wounded self machine....I wanted to have a martini, call a friend, eat ice cream...write an article...log onto facebook....anything to avoid this opportunity to learn. Now being armed with compassion and awareness....instead of sinking in to old habits...my brain lit up....my body lit up....and said "wow, this is big....there is something very exciting about this challenge....let's see what's inside"....

            The difference with compassion means I can allow the feeling to be there without trying to change it....in fact compassion teaches me that I don't want to change it because changing it would mask the information it is trying to convey. If I don't have to do anything with the feeling other than observe it and let it be....I don't have to be tempted to try to control the outcome, or figure out the lesson it came to give. I don't need to chase the lesson, it is already here and all I have to do is allow it to teach me with its presence. In total presence of the feeling I receive the lesson without having to do anything. This is very frustrating for the ego that is the "doing" part of me...therefore practices panic when there is no "doing" to be done.

            What happens when I allow a feeling to be? I notice other habits surface that are not serving me, or others that I love. I am now aware of one of my limiting beliefs come to the surface with a new view....I am not enough..."Gosh," I think to myself..."no wonder why you do anxiety so well...not enough you say?"....I take a look at that statement with new eyes of compassion...and say, "what are you needing for support that I am not giving you?"....and the answer....as most of them do surprised me..."that statement....not enough...isolates me...makes me small...makes my world small and manageable....extremely uncomfortable...but I know what to expect because I am the one controlling my environment....I can do anxiety...and I can do lonely very well..."

            ....and in that gap I heard Guidance say....

            "Which side of the bridge do you want to live?"

            "You mean I am the one who is making the decision?"

            "Yes sweetheart....you and you alone will decide where you live your life?"

            In that moment I imagined crossing the bridge away from the isolation of the belief "I am not enough" and into the learning beyond the statement. That statement as well I suspect others....focuses on me..."I" am not enough....it can be likened to the same beliefs that in the past we believed the sun orbited the earth. The "I" part of me, is just that "I"solated. In crossing this bridge...I could see others .... and notice the lesson. I create the isolation through my intent and my view. If a belief is focused on me and my lack....I'm forgetting I am a part of something larger than me.

            ...."and one more thing...that belief is the drive behind needing to be chosen...needing to be seen...."

            "How so?" I asked.

            "When you think you have no value unless you are the one who is chosen....means you have not chosen to be present with yourself first. You are again living as if you were the center of the universe...disconnecting yourself from others and experiences because you are waiting to be acknowledged by another person, rather than acknowledging others. You feel isolated because you have isolated yourself."

            With that I could cross over the bridge...and that is a bridge worth burning. The light allows me to see what I was missing, a new perspective of the limited view when I am only focused on me. A light that allows me to create new connections in my body about what it means to be a part a something larger than myself...create new beliefs and connections about compassion, learning and living from an open heart.