There's No Place Like Home

Inner Bonding:  There’s No Place Like Home!!!

This afternoon I was sitting in nature reading Love For No Reason, Margaret’s recent book club selection.  As I read the following passage, my mind was flooded with memories and many thoughts and messages from my Guidance. I knew I had to sit and write.  Now I really should probably be studying for a test I have to take tomorrow, but, one thing I know for sure - when Guidance speaks, I listen. Guidance said “write, you will do fine on the test.”  It was such a relief to be able to tune into something I really enjoy doing.

In the past few weeks I had been having many thoughts about different modalities compared to Inner Bonding and when I read this passage all the lights went on.  A woman named Susan was sharing about her study of spirituality.  She states, “I went to many lectures and attended workshops and retreats on meditation, yoga, and Eastern philosophy.  But instead of changing my old ways of being, I simply carried them right into these new realms.  As I tried to be the picture of the ideal spiritual aspirant, I continued to ignore what was best for my own body, as well as my mind and spirit.”  That’s as far as I could get with her story when the “aha” moment happened for me.  My intention for writing this article is that if any one can benefit from my journey and/or experience, I would be very grateful.  I know people have to find their own way, and “when the students ready the teacher will appear,” but I was just guided to share.

As I sit here I start to think about my own Spiritual journey and my constant search for inner peace and happiness.  I always had a connection to God, even when I was a little girl, but I was totally unconscious in all other areas of my life and didn’t really need to be, as I thought I was very happy.  It wasn’t until I developed a panic disorder in my middle 30’s did I even start to question that something might not be right here.  After seeking help for my panic disorder and being put on medication I knew I had to do something different, as I was conscious enough to know I didn’t want to be on medication fort he rest of my life, which is what the professional told me would be.  So my search began.

First it was therapy!  That’s where I learned the relationship I was in at the time was extremely dysfunctional and abusive.  Isn’t that something?  I thought I was so happy!!!!  Then when I decided to leave the relationship I found I was totally addicted to him and nothing I did seemed to help me leave, nor could I bear the thought of it.   How did this happen???  After all I was a very outgoing, headstrong person that had a good career with lots of friends and people tha tloved me.  There wasn’t anything I couldn’t do, so I thought, until this. Sometimes we have to learn about addiction the hard way and have to hit a bottom, which is what happened.  Since addiction is chronic and progressive, the addictive relationships progressed to a point where my therapist decided it was time for drastic measures: Rehab!!! “Who goes to rehab because they can’t get out of relationship?" I thought. "Only drug addicts go to rehab!“ As I write that line I can now see the judgments loud and clear but back then hadn’t a clue.   Being the compliant student and client I always was, off to Rehab I went.  I spent 30 days in a facility with many other codependents, sex addicts and drug addicts and actually for the first time in my life I experienced what it was like to have real support and connection and I was grateful for the new tools I developed, which were the 12 steps and an introduction to Inner Child work. I came home eager to use my new tools. I did my homework and started attending 12 step meetings and found a whole new support system, which really helped.  My life was changing, however, guess what?? I was still in my relationship and still unable to free myself and still experiencing panic.   All that work and although not quite in the same exact spot, I was still exactly in the same spot. 

One night at a 12-step meeting I heard a speaker share about her spiritual journey in a group that recently had done a Vision Quest.  I was so drawn to this and had to know more.  I immediately went up to her after the meeting to find out how I could get involved with this group. I believed this would be where my healing would really occur. She gave me the information and the following week I was enrolled in studying Lakota Native American tradition.  I knew I had found my home and a group of people that I so connected to.  Over the next 7 years I did numerous vision quests, sweat lodges, moon dances, drum and rattles, and shamanic journeys. I learned how to live my life in integrity, I learned to be kind in thought, word and deed, I learned about Karma and spiritual justice, and everything happens for a reason. However, one thing I was still having trouble with is how the heck do I get out of this relationship???  I remember once asking my Spiritual teacher at the time who also was my therapist when things will change?  “I’m being such a good student and trying so hard but I still can’t seem to change things. Who has the answer?”  I remember her not answering me, (of course because now I know there was such a neediness and pull) and I then replied I bet if I climbed Mt. Everest and met the Dali Lama at the top and asked him that question he would answer it! (Oh my I’m hysterically laughing as I’m writing this because I can’t really believe today that I said that, but those of you who really know me can picture it) She did finally answer and said, “ what do you think he would say?”  I replied in a very sarcastic tone, “He probably would say the answers are all inside of you my child.”  My teacher responded, “How I wished you really believed that.”  It was in that moment that I probably was really on to something.  With what I now know I had been introduced to my Inner Child in rehab and had just channeled my Guidance but no one at that time put 2 and 2 together and neither did I. So my journey and search continued.   

Next it was Reiki and meditation.  That’s where the answers must lie I was convinced.  I became a Reiki master and tried every type of meditation there is until I finally found one that worked for me which I still do today.  I spent 10 day sin a silent mediation retreat only to come out of there learning I was more miserable than ever and also now could no longer feel the inside of my right thigh, but on the outside I was looking like quite an enlightened being.  Oh by the way, somewhere in all this I finally did get out of the relationship but I think it was more pure will than anything else at this point. 

At some point I had become interested in sharing what I was learning so I decided to become a certified drug and alcohol counselor. The program was based upon your own recovery so I enjoyed it.  That program led me to Neuro Linguistic Programming as a way to help clients move through issues more quickly, so I studied in Hawaii and became a Master Practitioner in NLP and Hynosis.

 As I grew and grew and grew, I still noticed as much as I thought I was changing, things still really were the same to a certain extent.  It was at that point that my Spiritual group ended and we all went our separate ways.  There was a lot of dysfunction and although our teachers meant well I felt heartbroken but I knew it was for the best. 

So you must be curiously wondering what was next????  Well during my spiritual group I was introduced to a pretty well know Pleadian Channeler.  We became fast friends and I was off among the stars literally and figuratively.  I travelled to Egypt and all over and was taught some very valuable information, which I still find useful in my life today.  I think the best thing I got from that was I started to come into touch with my own psychic ability, which was a scary thing at the time to me, as I didn’t really understand it. That’s when someone suggested the answer to my life’s problems was Yoga!!!!  Well there was something I hadn’t tried yet and that’s when I found Kripalu and a wonderful body worker who suggested what would really help my life, and that was to commit to a life of spirituality.  I thought to myself, “wait, isn’t that what I have been doing????  There must be something more I don’t know about, that must be it.”

I was then introduced to the Spiritual Lifestyle program where you spend 3 months of your life in selfless service at Kripalu. Since I was a teacher and had the summers off it was a perfect fit.  So sign me right up!!!!   Before I left for Kripalu my Dad died so I have to say I was in an amazing environment to help me heal and grieve. I really loved what I was doing and how I was feeling at Kripalu and when my 3 months was up I didn’t want to leave.  (Today I know it was my wounded self hiding out and not wanting to take responsibility for my feelings and life). Just as it would happen Kripalu at the time also had a Karma Yoga Lifestyle program that lasted for 2 years. Synchronistically a position opened in it that I was offered. I immediately applied for a leave of absence from teaching for 2 years and while at Kripalu studied every program Kripalu had to offer as well as becoming a certified Yoga teacher. I now could really say I had learned to live in the present moment and be one, but why was I still feeling so miserable deep down?  My body worker suggested I need to do more work being in my body, so off I went to a 2-week training on Tantric Sexuality where I could be free of all life’s restrictions that we put on our body and sexuality! Oi Vei!  It was at that workshop that I became attracted to one of the facilitators and he to me and before you know it after all this growth and learning and healing I found myself doing the same thing over again (having no loving adult present and totally abandoning my little girl) that started me on this journey.  It was another totally inappropriate relationship and didn’t last long and very painful but something I clearly needed to see.  The woman who ran that workshop suggested to me that in order to help me really heal I attend The Hoffman Process.  My time at Kripalu was coming to an end and I was going back to the real world and back to my teaching career so I figured one last thing couldn’t hurt and would finally do it.  The Hoffman Process!  Well once again, as I was doing that I started to notice through all this growth so much had changed but had I really changed?  At the Hoffman Process I noticed many of my same issues came up over and over again.

Hoffman finished and I had a few days at Kripalu left and my body worker handed me a book entitled “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God,” by Dr. Margaret Paul.  The fact that it had God in the title would be a reason why I probably wouldn’t have picked it up on my own, but I did trust my body worker, so I started reading.  I immediately connected to it but after all I just told you, you’d probably think I would connect to anything!  I had realized at this point in my life that I didn’t want to do any more formal training, workshops, you name it I was finished.  Then one night as I was reading in my little cubbyhole at Kripalu where I slept, I came across a line from Margaret’s book that said something like, “Most people find me when they are stuck and they have tried everything” and then she listed all the things I have just told you about. Those words resonated with me so powerfully that I knew I had to know more, because after all, Margaret was describing me in her book.  I immediately went up to my computer and typed in Inner Bonding.com and noticed Margaret was doing her very first chat that night exactly when I signed on, so I clicked on.  I had never done anything like that on the computer before and all of a sudden there she was. Hello Merry Do you have a question?  OMG I didn’t even know what to do.  So I politely said hi and asked, what the difference was between Inner Bonding and The HoffmanProcess?  I can’t remember the exact answer she gave me but I do remember the feeling I experienced very strongly and thought,  “This woman really knows what she is talking about.”  I didn’t engage any further but made a decision right then and there I wanted to learn more from Margaret Paul and so I finished the book and signed up for my first intensive. 

I knew I was returning to the real world in less than two months and still didn’t feel good and was really hoping this time I would find what I was searching for.  I had been around enough therapists, spiritual teachers, gurus, psychics and channelers, some who were very big in the world, and it only took me 1 minute of watching Margaret Paul work that I had in fact found the real deal. I watched her take people down to their core issues and core pain in less than minutes and miraculous healings occurred through a method called Inner Bonding.  I had never seen anything like it and for the first time I started to feel authentic feelings in my body and not my head.  For the first time that week I heard words like false beliefs, control, resistance, woudedness, narcissism, loneliness, helplessness, taking responsibility for your life and feelings and most importantly of all Intention. I had learned about love and compassion throughout my whole journey but no one ever taught that the way to get to that was to connect to ones spiritual guidance and develop a loving adult by letting go of control, woundedness and resistance by taking responsibility for one's feelings. The process of Inner Bonding was the piece of the puzzle that was missing.  It was the glue that put it all together. I don’t even think that I knew what that all meant when I first started my Inner Bonding journey, but today I can tell you it’s been the part of my whole journey that literally has saved my life. It’s also the hardest work I have ever done.  There were many times my resistance was so strong and many times I wanted to run and not take responsibility for my life, feelings and little girl, but the process of Inner Bonding and Margaret Paul who constantly role modeled for me how to be a loving adult and her teachings has been what has brought me back to myself, “my home.”  It has been this process that has taught me how to access all the answers I’ve always had inside just as I learned in the first few years of my journey,  “Yes the answers lie within my child, for I have been with you all along and am so happy that you now recognize me as your Guidance!”

I now realize that most of my search, although was varied and wide and brought me a wealth of knowledge and information that I will always be grateful for, was more about “avoiding pain rather than learning, and to have control over getting love to stop the painful feelings of aloneness and what a vicious cycle that was.” (Pg. 121, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved by God)

So for all of you who can relate to my journey and keep searching for yours through many different modalities, and for all the younger people who are looking for inner peace and happiness, Inner Bonding is the process that will take you home too if you let it. So just click your heel stwice, because after all Dorothy, There’s no place like home!!!!