I Asked My Little Girl a Question the Other Day

     When I was growing up, I learned to be "okay" by numbing out and keeping busy. I thought it was who I really was, except that I always knew that something was missing. Two days ago, at the LA Advanced Intensive,I asked my little girl how her days would have been while growing up if she were not using her protections. My 7 year old self showed me a movie that started with her waking up and knowing that there was no one to connect with and feeling unbearably lonely. She then showed me how each moment, each interaction was filled with heartbreak. No one saw who she really was but at the same time her parents made her up and punished her accordingly. She showed me closed hearts everywhere, invasive energy, no joy, everyone in grim survival model. She showed me her little body in continuous shock with no one to comfort her. Then she showed me a movie clip that ran over and over in a continuous loop, the voice of my wounded self saying "In order to be safe you have to check out" and then a jump cut to her sobbing in grief as she hears this awful pronouncement.

     I understood why ,when I was married and used to wake up several hours after my husband did, I would immediately find him and try to hand my little girl to him so that she would start the day with some connection. He was almost never available to to take her and so I would start the day feeling disappointed and proceed to try to numb out enough to feel okay. I remembered how joyful it was when my sons were babies and even older to greet them in the morning, to share that "I am so happy to see you" energy. I understood what a blessing it is to have my cats who open my heart when greeting me in the morning or coming to hang out with me. Someone to share love with! I don't have to numb out for the moment.

     I wish I could say that now, just two days later, having felt the deep grief that I am causing by running this old wounded program, I am no longer doing it, but at this point the change is more that I am aware of it. My little girl told me that one thing she wants is to connect with me in the morning when we wake up, yet I have woken up the past two mornings and checked out by looking forward to reading my e-mail, checking the Inner Bonding site and Facebook so that I can maybe get some connection. Only when I was actually sitting at my computer, did I even realize what had happened, that I have already checked out. Each morning I had a deadline, I was in a hurry, making something else, which turns out to be habitually protecting against the pain of how I am treating my inner child, more important than being with her. At the same time, as I write this, I have been holding my little girl and inside she is crying with a deep sense of relief at finally being truly understood and with profound sadness at what a terrible loss it has been to live this way.

     I remember that there was something else I was shown at the intensive that I had forgotten about, which is what it will be like when I start to remember to wake up in the morning and connect with my little girl. My little girl has shown me a happy, delightful imp, already connected to her spirit friend. Being with her will make my day! Somehow, I have had the false belief that I will wake up to an unhappy and demanding child, even though that never happened with my own children. So waking up with my happy imp is something I can completely look forward to (and therefore am more likely to remember to do). In fact it will be MUCH better than reading my e-mail! I know we have a long way to go to completely block all the "checking out" programs, but I am looking forward to what is going to happen tomorrow morning!!!

     And that was supposed to be the end of the column, only it wasn't because my little girl told me that she would rather that I STAY connected with her than check out and WRITE about staying connected with her! Whoops! I am just so glad that she can tell me now. We are both so glad I asked!