Heartbreak and Control

When last December my Guide popped up, and told me that I need to heal heartbreak in order to go to another level my reaction was: No way!!! I was enjoying a very peaceful time so why on earth I would feel heartbreak. But my guidance has her ways of doing things.

Life (should I say my guide) threw me into situations that triggered heartbreak (though I did not recognize that immediately), and I had no choice but to embrace it after all my attempts to avoid it. Every time when I was supposed to feel it I would get extremely busy. The amount of the work that I could do just not to feel heartbreak was enormous. Part of me hoped it would go away, but since it did not I eventually would do the steps to release core painful feelings. Yes, it hurts like a hell, but at the end pain would move through my body. And I would feel more grounded, peaceful, and for no reason joyful. It also felt like a long lost part of me came home.

My wounded self got triggered as well. Heartbreak usually comes bundled with some other core painful feelings like helplessness and loneliness. There are many times after embracing those feelings, and feeling joy I would go into incredible core shame with already familiar statements: You are wrong, flawed. Why do you have all those difficult feeling others do not have? What is wrong with you? Why you cannot be like others?

I felt helpless. It felt like some alien force suddenly possessed me. And every time, Margaret reminded me when I experience core shame my intent is to control, not to learn. I am basically in my wounded self. It is part of me – I felt it is not. I even had a session with her when I could not pass my wounded self. Inability to connect with my guide was very terrifying. Every time my wounded self would come up with some false or limiting belief Margaret would tell me: You know it is not true. After the session I managed to uncover the reason why she was so active. She was doing anything to protect me from feeling the pain of heartbreak. She believes I cannot handle it, so it is her job to “save” me. I am not supposed to feel all this pain after all she has done for me. And over and over again she would tell me: what is wrong with you?

The other thing that I have noticed around core shame is that I kind of get paralysed, and forget that I still can set my intent to learn. Somehow I get sidetracked, and start to believe core shame is powerful.

During my last core shame episode, after being desperate I decided to learn from it. I just told my Guide: I want to learn all the reasons why she is shaming me. There must be at least one. Please guide me.

I started to notice heartbreak happening in the present. This was completely new. Not big but still it was heartbreak. Once I embraced it I somehow tapped into one from the past. The one the wounded self was guarding so vigorously, and she let me experience it.

I clearly in the moment had to disconnect from my Essence. I had to. There was no other choice. Either I would die or lose sanity. Saying to the most precious part of me that she is flawed, wrong, dark and responsible for all that goes wrong under the sun. Then giving her a to do list that she must do in order to be loved and accepted was truly heartbreaking. The to do list was meant to provide safety. If I do everything it would spare me the pain. No matter how many things from the list I did, the list grew longer and longer, and did not save me from getting hurt.

The pain of seeing all this was enormous. I held the part of me that was hurting. I was kind and gentle as I could be. I let her talk, and validated her feelings. I did not rush her, or try to minimize the incident. I simply let it out and experienced the pain that was suppressed for a long time. Then I offered the pain to God, and asked for peace and acceptance. Although exhausted I could feel deep peace around myself. And love coming from my Guide, and my father’s spirit.

In the midst of deep pain my wounded self whispered: Now you know why I had to protect you. I also hugged her and told her: Thank You! You did great job, but I would like to take over from now on. As I was holding her too, I could feel how rigid she was. After a deep sigh she slowly started to mellow down.

Needless to say that every step of the way my guide was there with her incredible love and support. Couldn’t do this without her.