Wounded Energy: It's Better Than Nothing

In Inner Bonding we talk about connecting with our essence, the beautiful part of us who is who we really are.  Inner abandonment is not connecting with our own essence.  We talk a lot about how we develop a wounded self to protect against the overwhelming pain of being abandoned and how being in our wounded self creates inner abandonment.  Recently, I got the clearest picture I ever have about how this works.

I knew that I was born connected with my own essence, but that this essence was not received.  I deeply wanted to share loving energy, share my essence, with my parents but they were too wounded to do it.  The need to share energy, I think, is one of the most fundamental ones we have.  It is how we get nourished.   So, like almost everyone else, I was left heartbroken and desperate.  I can actually remember being a baby and realizing how it was going to be, an experience of total despair.  I was never going to be seen for who I really was.  If I was to survive, I had to find a way to share energy somehow.

I think this is the origin of the wounded self.   We find a way to tune into our parent's wounded energy, to create a wounded resonance, so that we are filling with SOMETHING!  Something, no matter what the frequency, is better than the emptiness and despair of having no way to fill with love and light.

As we get older, this wounded energy coalesces around certain ways of being.  Judgment is a good example.  If our parents have a lot of judgmental energy, we will fill with that because it gives us a connection with them.   If they judge us, we will begin to judge ourselves, because it fills us with something. We get together with people and have judgmental conversations about others.  We read judgmental columns in the newspaper. We find ways to share that energy so that we will have something rather than nothing.  I think even the specific beliefs that we consciously and unconsciously absorb from our parents are anchored in specific energies that we learned to fill with.

So, we develop certain wounded resonant frequencies and we grow up to find others who resonate with us, helping us keep on filling up with this familiar energy, no matter what the frequency, no matter how ordinary-seeming or dark.

Meanwhile, our inner child, our essence who is love, is totally left out.  There is NO room to connect with him or her, because we are not tuning into the frequency that brings love and connection, we are filling with something else.   This abandoned part of us is in agony, alone, heartbroken, suffering.

I have done this all my life, as have many of us here.  But this time, I got the image, literally of a crucifixion.  That my essence, my little girl, has been suffering THAT much because I learned to use wounded energies to fill up; those of my own wounded self and the wounded energies of others.   By tuning into these frequencies, by filling up with these energies, I have automatically shut out my true self, never even noticing the little girl on the cross.  The realization was devastating.  It was absolute.  ANYTHING except connecting with my little girl and seeing her beautiful essence, no matter how benign, causes THAT much suffering.

I think this is the essence of Inner Bonding.  Not so much noticing the wounded beliefs and behaviors in our heads, but finally facing the suffering that is caused by our energetic choices.  We do have a choice, at each moment, to fill with wounded energy or stay connected to our essence.  There are certainly layers and layers of realizing this truth, but the bottom line is that there is no "in between."  It is a sobering and exhilarating realization.