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1209 QUESTION(S)
Question
Where does contempt come from? What causes one to feel contempt? I know it is a feeling of the wounded self, but it seems to be permeating every part of my being - not just "in my head."
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I have been practicing inner bonding and have been gradually growing. My family is together right now- and unfortunately we don't have a healthy dynamic at all. my brother is about to get married - and he is arguing like my father already. My role in the family is has been to protect my mother and argue my father and brother. Now he is controlling his soon to be wife. Now I want to protect her. I have tried to talk to them about their behavior but it just ended up in another big fight and they are not interested in self growth. My sister the eldest. I am also having anger moments towards her for never saying anything. She watches it happen, and then is happy go lucking. I get very angry with her for 'doing nothing'. It just dawned on me that I think I feel her silent behavoir condones the incident. She stays out of it. I engage to protect. If I engage- I ruin relationships - If I say nothing my insides scream. How can my loving adult guide me. How can my spirit guide me. K
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I am confused about how to identify and trust my guidance while being responsible for my feelings and happiness. I am separated from my husband and we have worked through many issues in conversation. We have a strong physical connection and share many outdoor interests. This was always our strength and how we came together. My problem is that after spending time with him, I feel very depressed. My Child is fearful of getting close again. I ruminate and cannot sleep. My husband admits he now realizes he has practiced passive/aggressive behaviour for a long time. Through IB I realize that I have not parented myself well and have given myself up and used alcohol to numb out. The combination of his P/A, my own inept parenting and the dynamics of the relationship seems like too much to deal with. I ask myself, are the bad feelings guidance telling me to stay away or is it my WC needing to be healed? I am not taking responsibility for myself when I say his P/A behaviour hurt me deeply?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Based on Today's inspiration. Some psychologists prescribe depression medications for depressed persons. Do these medications lower the frequency?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
What is your opinion on a 16 yr.old regulating his own sleep hours and homework completion?It just seems that anything I might say incites resistance-so I often don't.But,when he isn't respectful,like being quiet after a reasonable hour or considerate of others,I wonder if I am being too permissive here?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
OK OK my question is this .... When one experiences such a deep inner gut level gnawing spiritual connection that needs a release? Might You have any suggestions for something like this? It is such a deep deep gnawing, and then the feeling is a void as if it is empty that needs to be filled. The feeling is a very deep hungry feeling. My experiences and feelings have been that such as I so want to come out of my skin, need to some kind of release but unaware of what this intensity is calling to or the release that would be just as deeply intimate as the feeling and experience as itself. it is a hunger I DO NOT want to go away or to dissipate. I find myself returning and recreating the internal connection and dwelling within because it is has such an incredible feeling. I know it is a spiritual thing for me ... yet I feel so inadequate that I deserve to experience the depth of feeling and awareness. Part of me is pleading with this spirit not to go away. In tears, longing,
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
My daughter is now grown and I am just now beginning to learn how to heal my wounded child. I have so much guilt about the way I parented especially when she was very young. My daughter has a lot of emotional baggage and I know it is my fault. How can I possibly forgive myself and let it go. People always say you need to let it go and I know it doesn't serve me, her or anyone, but emotionally I can't seem to release it. I have apologized many times and have devoted my last 15 years to learning how to be a better me and better parent. I have learned a lot about self improvement and more effective communication and have passed this on to my daughter. I just wish I could have been better for her early on.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I endured rejection from a woman on the day of marriage. Another woman divorced me after five days of marriage. If any person leaves a relationship is it because her IC is telling she is not looking after her? I assume some persons make false conclusions that leaving a relationship will solve this problem. Of course my contribution in these cases was I tried to hand over my IC to those women.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
If I am annoyed in a situation, I am finding myself (or someone else is annoyed in a situation she is finding herself), does that mean it is my IC's call that I am not taking care of him? I feel sometimes I have made wrong choices by leaving that situation, which I realise only later.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I am feeling a lot of resistance and fear about accessing my Guidance. I receive Oprah's email send-outs and the latest one featured Byron Katie. Her work sounded quite interesting to me (looking at false beliefs), and I wanted to find out more about her background, how she came to her current knowledge. I found an interview with her on line and when I read it, it just terrified me. This is the link to the interview http://www.realization.org/page/doc1/doc107a.htm. I am so afraid that if I invite Guidance into my life that I will be taken over and disappear. I already feel like I have a weak sense of self (enmeshment issues growing up with my Mum), and there feels like a big part of me that does want to escape/disappear which is probably a habit from childhood abuse. I would really like some reassurance in this area please.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I'm reading "Only your thoughts can upset you", the author says "if you do not solve your problems w/certain people you will keep coming back in different permutations until the problem has been solved." This made me think about my relationship w/my mom and step-dad. I've made many attempts to write and settle things, but was met with anger/judgment/rejection, they are not open to the idea. I accepted this & 2 years ago I wrote my mom just let her know I love her and forgive her even though we don't see eye to eye. After reading this book I feel compelled to write again but am unsure. I wrote to my step-dad after my last divorce (2001)apologizing for being a difficult child; he wrote me saying he didn't want to have anything to do with me. I believe they thought I wrote w/the intention of coming back home-his fear. My mom let us kids leave home early (me at 16) because my step-dad wanted her all to himself, she fears losing him. She's 76 not much time left. Any suggestions~Tks!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
If I feel that I have hurt someone by what I said, does that mean it is my IC saying he feels hurt or abandoned. For that matter, if anyone feels hurt by what another person said does that mean he/she is hurt because he/she is abandoning himself/herself in some way?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
If I look at the actions of someone with contempt, does that mean I am not loving some part of me?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I have a 19 year old stepson, who has always been very quiet. He is a very kind-hearted person and is always willing to help, but he has admitted to us that he gives just one word answers, because he wants people to not talk to him. He does not have one single friend. His dad does so much with him - teaching him new skills, going camping with him, but even with his dad he will only talk if he is very interested in the subject. He really comes across a lot of times as angry and rude. It wouldn't worry me as much if he was talking with friends. Are we doing him a disservice by allowing him to use only one word answers at the dinner table night after night? We have talked to him about how it can be very hurtful to treat people like that, but nothing changes. He definitely will not see a counselor - we use to take him to one in middle school and he would not talk and sometimes fall asleep. Thank you for your help!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I noticed that whenever I feel tension in my neck and shoulders, I visualise my IC as an infant. When I have a headache, I see my IC as a 3-4 year old. When the tension is in my tummy, then I see my IC as older still. These images are very consistent and I am really curious if this is just a coincidental product of my imagination or is there something to it�?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
My g/f says she is not able to know much about me. How much is knowing about the boyfriend/girlfriend important to get into marriage? I guess what is more important before starting a relationship is to see how I can take care of myself in a relationship.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I just realised, a couple of days ago, that one of my WS (who often pretends to be a loving adult) is disgusted with my inner child and treats both my wounded child and my healthy inner child with very painful contempt. It's difficult to work through it, because this wounded part of me is very rigid and refuses to communicate. This part of me reminds me of my father (oh, it hurts so much!) and makes my other wounded part freeze in terror. I do manage to connect with my loving adult and guidance for a few minutes a day (even though I try all the time) and every time I ask about the loving action I get a clear response "stay present". How do I stay present for longer than a few minutes, though? What is the cause of my loosing the connection? Do you have any suggestion as to how I can further support myself in this painful process, please?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
My daughter of 4 years is eating her nails like crazy, even when I cut the pieces left she manages to go further, I ignored it, but it does not help. What can be creating this behavior? thanks
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I have been practising innerbonding for over a month now. I have just reached the stage where I can visualise my inner child, LA and wounded children. Also I am able to always bring the LA into control whenever something goes wrong. But yesterday, when I attempted to do the IB process, I couldn't visualise anything. I was feeling very mentally tired. It was like, everything inside me was boycotting. It was like saying to me "please leave us alone for sometime". I was wondering whether I was overworking/stressing myself out. Is this a natural thing while doing IB?
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Hi, I'm new to the innerbonding community and am wondering where to start here. I have had an excellent facilitator session with Ivanka and she has kindly offered further sessions to understand the process more. I am asking for advice because I am scared of my reactions when I am triggered. They can take me about 1-2 weeks to calm down and feel functional again, and I am left with added anxiety about approaching the inner work again. I have been looking for someone with whom to experience physical mothering, but seem to be meeting people who are more interested in theories, which make me feel more confused. I would prefer to see someone who has professional training because of my intensely fearful experiences. I have trichotillomania (hair pulling) which has become worse over the past month, and my self-esteem is very low. Do you think working with a therapist at this stage as well as doing the innerbonding would be recommended? Thank you.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I am challenged now with practicing my IB with my mother. I love her dearly but hear my Core Self telling me NOT to engage in the push/pull of enabling, caretaking, and co-dependency. After some difficult conversations, my mother sent me an e-mail saying she is having a hard time "keeping herself under control." I know she is depressed, but she will not take steps to take care of herself beyond taking medicine and going to a therapist to "dump" rather than really trying to learn and grow. She is trying to control the planning of my 46-year-old twin sister's wedding and has let us know that if we don't do it her way, she'll pick up her marbles and go home! She says she feels no one loves her, she has nothing to look forward to, and sometimes feels she might as well die. How do I take care of myself and also be loving to her? This feels like being abandoned again, just as we were 40 years ago by her and our dad into the hands of abusive relatives. Thank you so much.
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I'm not sure who is talking. I am trying to care for my IC because she is trying to get love from others and I am listening to her about this. I am in a relationship with someone who is hardly ever available because of his busy schedule, although he keeps in contact. My IC has asked me to please not abandon her like I did in my last marriage. But also asked me to find out how this new man in my life feels about me. That feels like WS. Is it common in the beginning of this process for the lines to blur? I want to find out how he feels about me too, but I would rather work on loving my IC and I don't think it matters what his answer is.
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I am wanting to be more mindful about boundaries and/or commenting on someone else's process.Of course,intent-and whether the other person is seeming to be wanting to learn,(referring to posts on the boards).What sorts of " markers" could I use to discern when it is okay to comment?My WS often judges me when I offer something,don't want to overstep boundaries.And I don't want to "teach" or something.It is challenging to know when it might be invasive to another.But maybe that is a separate issue.Does this make sense? Thanks!
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I've read many threads that discuss narcissism. Many posters say that the narcissists in their lives have only been concerned about themselves. I've been working hard at learning how to be concerned with myself. My pattern was always to give myself up because that's what was expected of me. Will someone conclude I'm a narcissist because I'm doing the healthy thing?
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I'm just curious - why does my WC want to dwell in drama and misery? Why would I (when in WC) want to control my reality to make sure I'm surrounded by people who treat me badly? Why does my WC feed on negativity? And on the other hand - when I choose to be present and compassionate - how come the reality of my WC just peacefully disappears within seconds? How does that work? It's so interesting to watch when it happens.
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When I reply back to posts in the forums, I always write my experiences also. Does that mean within my subconscious I am still looking for compassion from others?
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Through some dialoging my IC said that she feels that she has to talk about herself and all her problems in order to get anyone to pay attention to her. I am thinking that my LA does not care for my IC unless I am in crisis. In trying to learn what is loving to myself, I am stuck with this one. Maybe because it just seems too big to handle. Any thoughts on how to move forward with this? Thanks.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I've received so many conflicting messages from my family over the years and I'm seriously wondering if their just crazy. For example, they'll say some hurtful things like you make me sick, I don't want you in my life, I'm ashamed of you, shut up or I'll make your head spin, then there's the screaming and yelling in my face. Besides this, total boundary violations that make inter-action unsafe. Initially, I listened to try to understand what was behind all of this hostility. Finally I just gave up and left because I'm no one's punching bag. Then after several months the screaming starts again and says "we're estranged don't you care about that"? It feels like a push me away and a pull me back kind of thing. I'm not a yo-yo and can't figure out why they simply can't express themselves in ways that are more functional and we can get to the root cause of the problem. Can you help me to understand this behavior that says one thing and then complains when they get what they appear to want.
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I think that I have reached some measure of forgiveness around my husband's gambling debt that resulted in ongoing financial stress-the mortgage payment is much higher.When I applied for a better credit card rate on my card that I have always paid off in time,it was denied,since it is based on joint income.When this happened,I felt the old anger,hurt,disappointment flood me along with feeling that I never did forgive in the first place!Wanting to be of good will-seems like I can't move past it.Reminding myself of my flaws doesn't seem to be enough with this!Any suggestions? Thanks
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I try so hard to be giving from a pure level. But I have great difficulty emotionally accepting other people's giving to me. I feel too vulnerable. I feel stronger when in the giving position. I try and focus on my intent to be loving but notice that other people feel like their giving doesn't count when I do that. I think it's because of my difficulty in opening up. They sometimes start to insist to me that they are giving people, because they don't want to be in the position of depending on me to give to them, or they don't want a feeling of inequality. They sometimes insist and insist on how much they have to give to me and others, how much they are needed, until I acknowledge their giving nature. Then they feel endorsed. I don't know how to move into a "position" where I can give purely and not expect anything back, and still graciously accept other people when they do give. I want to move into the delicious experience of giving, but can't open up when others give to me.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
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