Lesson 6: Step Five of Inner Bonding

Take the loving action learned in Step Four.

Healing is about moving out of your false belief system and into living in truth. While bringing through the truth from your spiritual guidance(Step Four) is essential in healing your false beliefs, it is not enough. Nor is it enough to gain understanding and release your old pain and fear. Unless you, as a loving Adult, take new loving action on your Inner Child's behalf, nothing really changes, nothing heals. For example, if your daughter came to you and told you she was scared by your yelling, and you listened and understood but made no attempt to change your behavior, your child would not feel heard. She would not feel loved. Likewise, if your Inner Child is hungry for love, attention, safe boundaries, the end of an intolerable situation at work, a fit and healthy body or just plain fun, and you listen and understand but take no action, your Inner Child will continue to feel unloved, unlovable, alone and unfulfilled. And your wounded self will continue to protect against these painful feelings with your various addictions. 

You can tell yourself the truth all day, you can stare into the mirror and affirm over and over that you are a beautiful, wonderful child of God, but if you do not treat yourself as a beautiful, wonderful child of God, your Inner Child will not believe your affirmations. Words mean very little without action. A loving Adult takes action on behalf of the Inner Child. 

If you find yourself failing to take the loving action, that.s okay. Our opportunity to begin taking loving Action comes when we choose to observe rather than condemn ourselves, to be compassionate with ourselves, for example, when we slip up and indulge in addictive behavior. This is part of Step Five because non-judgmentally observing yourself choosing the intent to protect and control rather than love is in itself a loving action.

You cannot make new choices until you watch yourself making your current choices. You will never know that you can choose to learn about love until you observe yourself choosing to try to control. You cannot choose to love your wounded self until you notice your wounded self. If you are not willing to non-judgmentally notice yourself acting out the needs of your wounded self, you cannot make new choices.

Taking loving action means learning to love both the core Self and the wounded self. It means releasing judgment and accepting the angry, hurt, shamed and frightened parts of yourself with love and compassion, understanding that your wounded self has been doing the best it can to take care of you and help you feel safe. Loving action means understanding and having compassion for all the parts of yourself that you have hated or judged as inadequate, unlovable and unworthy. You heal your false beliefs when you learn to be loving to your wounded self. 

Taking loving action eventually results in becoming immune to criticism and moving beyond fears of rejection as you learn how to not take other's behavior personally. Loving action also leads to moving beyond fears of engulfment, of being controlled by others, as you learn to set loving limits in your own behalf. 

Here are some examples of loving actions you might take with the help of your spiritual guidance. 

• Disengage from another's behavior that feels unloving to you - such as getting off the phone when someone is going on and on about themselves, or walking away from your partner when he or she is blaming you or judging you.

• Read books on health, nutrition, and exercise and establish a new way of eating and exercising.

• Risk doing something you want to do, such as take a class or go on a vacation with a friend, even if your partner finds it threatening.

• Learn to define your own worth and lovability rather than hand that responsibility to others.

• Start the process of being able to leave a job that you hate.

• Notice your self-judgments, without judging yourself for judging yourself.

• Choose to express gratitude throughout the day. 
  
• Focus on kindness and good will towards others. 
  
• Practice staying in the present moment instead of ruminating on the past or future. 
  
• Attend to your feelings throughout the day, attempting to stay in Step One of Inner Bonding all day.