Lesson 4: Step Three of Inner Bonding

Compassionately dialogue with your Inner Child, discovering your thoughts/false beliefs and the resulting behaviors that are causing your painful feelings.Open to exploring what happened as you were growing that created your false beliefs. You can also explore your gifts and what brings joy to your core Self.

In Step Three, we open our arms to all aspects of ourselves - our wounded aspects as well as our core Self. Although one of the goals of Inner Bonding is to integrate all parts of ourselves, we first need to separate the various parts of the wounded self and heal them individually. Eventually the energy from these parts unites with our core Self and our loving Adult. Some of the immense energy that once went into protecting and avoiding is free to go into playing and creating (activities of the core Self) and some will go into taking loving action (the role of the loving Adult). The more you operate from your core Self and loving Adult, taking loving care of yourself and sharing your love with others, the more integrated and joyful you become.

Look at this as an exploration into the layers of yourself. Welcome rather than judge or condemn anything that comes up. When you talk to the wounded parts . your angry, hurt, frightened, anxious, numb, shamed, needy, or depressed parts - ask them to tell you what they feel, and welcome and embrace those feelings, whatever they are. It helps to imagine these feelings as coming from a hurt child or adolescent, and your job is to welcome him or her into your loving embrace so you can learn what you may be thinking or doing that is causing these painful feelings. Ask your inner child questions such as, .What am I telling you or doing that is making you feel anxious (or depressed, angry, shamed, and so on)?. .Are you angry at me?. .How do you feel when I give you food (or drugs, or alcohol, or spend money, etc) when you are feeling lonely, hurt, bored, anxious, depressed or angry?. .What are you really wanting from me when you are feeling badly?. "How am I abandoning you? Am I making others responsible for you? Am I judging you? Am I ignoring your feelings and needs? Am numbing you out with substances or activities?" 

Remember, no feelings are ever wrong or bad. All the feelings you have are for good reasons, and by using Step Three.s dialogue process gently, with great compassion, you will be able to discover the information these feelings are trying to tell you.

In Step Three you explore--with love, compassion and curiosity - not only your feelings, but also whatever related false beliefs, behaviors and memories you might have. For some people, using a doll or stuffed animal acting as a surrogate Inner Child is very helpful; you can hold this surrogate child and bring yourself comfort when painful feelings come up. It is best to dialogue out loud or in writing. Both speaking out loud and writing slows the process down so you can hear it. 

You can dialogue with various aspects of your wounded self, as well as various ages, from a young child to an adolescent. You are dialoguing about your feelings and the beliefs and behavior that may be causing them. If you decide you want to move further into learning the Inner Bonding process, we have many examples of dialogue processes available for you to learn from. 

The following is a very brief example. In this example, a woman in one of my intensives has decided to work with me, but she feels very anxious. 

      Adult: What am I telling you or doing that is making you feel anxious?

     Child: You are telling me that I have to do this right, and I don.t know how. You are telling me that if I don.t do it right, others will judge me and I will be rejected.

      Adult: Yes, I have been telling you that. How do you feel when I tell you this?

     Child: I feel like you won.t like me unless I do everything right and prove that I am worthy. I always feel I have to prove that I.m okay to you and everyone else. You keep telling me not to make a fool out of myself.

      Adult: So, of course, you feel anxious. Wow! I tell myself these things a lot, and I always thought my anxiety was coming from other people. I.m the one who is causing it!

In Step Three you dialogue not only with your wounded self, but also with your core Self. It has wisdom to share with you, and its answers will help you know what.s beautiful and true about yourself. You can also dialogue with your core Self to keep yourself company when you are feeling healthy grief, sorrow or loneliness over the difficulties we all face in our lives. You can explore your gifts, passions and talents, what brings you joy, what is your true calling, what fulfills your soul.
 

Hints for Successful Dialoguing

A very important aspect of dialoguing with your wounded parts is to be aware of who is asking the questions: Is it your loving Adult or your wounded self? Are you really in a compassionate intent to learn (your loving Adult) or are you asking the questions from your fear and woundedness? Do you want to learn about how you may be causing your pain (your loving Adult) or are you just trying to get rid of it? You will not receive helpful or accurate answers when your wounded self asks the questions. This is why it is imperative to do Steps One and Two before starting to dialogue.

When you begin, it is best to dialogue with your Inner Child out loud or in writing so that you don.t get lost in your wounded self. A written (or taped) record of your dialogue can also be helpful later, when you look back at your early process. After a year or so of regular spoken or written dialoguing, most people find that they can dialogue silently. 

Were you surprised we said a year? Inner Bonding is not just a quick fix. It becomes a way of life. It is a way of creating and maintaining a daily connection to your innermost self and to the sacred. As you grow and your life goes on, more and more challenges will come your way. You can use this Six-Step Process for dealing with all of them, the big ones and the small ones. Some of these challenges will bring up old pain from childhood events. You can use this Six-Step Process to address those feelings, too. In learning Inner Bonding, you learn a tool that you can use again and again to deal with all of life's challenges in a loving, wise and powerful way.

Listening to the Answers

When you are ready for your Inner Child to answer your questions, move your attention into your body. The answers will come from deep within you rather than from your head. When you explore blaming anger, fear, aloneness, depression and anxiety, you are dialoguing with your wounded self. When you explore sadness, sorrow, loneliness and what brings you fulfillment, peace and joy, you are dialoguing with your core Self. 

You won't act out addictively if you remember to do Step Three whenever you feel hurt or lonely or angry. Instead, you will be able to find out what you really want by dialoguing with your Inner Child. You might ask, .What is it you are really seeking or feeling hungry for?. The wounded self always grabs for a short-term fix - new clothes, food, sex, scotch, cocaine. But by embracing and listening to your wounded self, you can discover what your Inner Child really wants and needs.

Of course, the answer is always love. Your Inner Child wants to experience Divine Love coming to him or her through you (that is, through your loving Adult). It is only when you learn to bring through Divine, unconditional love to yourself that the hunger, emptiness and aloneness you experience gets filled. Until you address the issue of your inner-aloneness and emptiness - the aloneness and emptiness that you have been filling with your various addictions - you cannot begin to address the issue of the loneliness you may feel either with others or from not having others around. You will feel both alone and lonely until you heal your aloneness, your separation from Spirit. Using Step Three, you can discover the fears and false beliefs that are in the way of receiving Divine love.

Often, people tell us that they have been dialoguing with their Inner Child but they don.t seem to be getting anywhere. When we ask them to show us exactly what they have been doing, we invariably discover that they have not decided that they want responsibility for their feelings, or taken the time to first open to learning by inviting compassion into their hearts. They think they are open because they are asking their Inner Child questions, but the tone of their questions is curt, bored, condemning or embarrassed. We gently remind them to go back and do Steps One and Two so they know they want responsibility for their feelings and are in a true intent to learn. 

If your Inner Child still refuses to talk to you,that.s okay for now. Go ahead and skip to Step Four. Eventually, when you have developed a solid, loving Adult, your wounded self and your core Self will open to you.

If you decide to pursue Inner Bonding in more depth, reading Healing Your Aloneness, Inner Bonding, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?... will help you toward gaining the skills you need for successful dialoging.